Really Funny Jokes

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Wednesday, July 30, 2014

Tormented

Harold was very nervous. He was going to be a father soon and the endless wait at the hospital was not doing him any good.
 
Nancy was in labour and Harold could hear her screams. The nurses asked him to take it easy but nothing seemed to comfort Harold.

After what seemed to be an eternity, a nurse came out from the operating room and announced, "It's a girl!"

Heaving a sigh of relief and visibly relaxed, Harold said, "Thnk God it's a girl. At least she won't be tormented the way I just was!"

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

The value of aroma

Derrick ran a small laundry shop but business was not good. His shop was next to the upscale 5-Spice Restaurant. Derrick's wife, Martha, would pack his lunch box with simple food that they could afford.

Everyday during lunch time, Derrick would sit in the garden in the back of his shop and eat his lunch. He would enjoy the tantalizing aroma that came from the restaurant next door. The restaurant's owner Mr. Anderson, would often notice Derrick having his lunch in his garden.

One day, Derrick received a bill from the 5-Spice restaurant. Derrick went to see Mr. Anderson to find out what the bill was for. He was told that the bill had been forwarded as Derrick was enjoying food of the restaurant and was therefore liable to pay for it.

When Derrick refused to comply to such a ridiculous demand, the matter went to Court.

The judge asked the restaurant owner to explain himself.
 
Mr. Anderson said, "This man who owns a small store next to my restaurant, has his lunch near my kitchen every day. He can be clearly seen smelling our food while eating his. Our rich food is giving value addition to the ordinary food that he eats, and we deserve to be compensated for it.

The judge then asked Derrick to explain himself.

Derrick remained quiet and put his hands in his pocket and played with the coins inside making rattling sounds.

The judge asked, "What are you doing?"

Derrick replied, "I am paying Mr. Anderson for the aroma of his food with the sound of my coins."

Monday, July 28, 2014

Engine trouble

Kingfisher Airlines was operating it's flight from Bombay to Goa. The passengers were all looking forward to their holiday in Goa when suddenly there was an announcement in the plane.

"There is a technical fault in one of the engines of the plane. This will cause a delay of 20 minutes in landing."

There was some commotion among the passengers and then everyone settled down.

A little later, there was another announcement.

"The first engine has failed and the second engine has also developed a fault.There will be a delay of another 60 minutes."
Passengers voice their concerns and then they settle down again.

A third announcement follows.

"Two engines failed. Third engine developed fault. Too much pressure on the last engine. Delay of another 2 hours"
An old lady, who was looking forward to the beaches of Goa and not too happy with the situation, said loudly "I hope the fourth engine remains intact. I don't want to spend the rest of the night up here."

Sunday, July 27, 2014

What is the Pope like?

Matteo and Antonio were cobblers in a small village near Sicily.

They were doing fine in their business. Matteo had been wanting to see the Pope for a long time, so one day he packed his bags and left for Rome.

Matteo returned after 2 weeks. Antonio could not wait to meet him and learn everything about his trip. So he rushed to Matteo's home and asked him, "Tell me Matteo, what is the Pope like?"

Matteo replied, "Size 38."

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Bait

Tom was 70 and Diana was 65, when they decided to go on a cruise in the Carribean. They were having a conversation at the deck, when a giant wave came up and took away Diana with it.

They arranged to send divers down the sea to find her but she could not be traced. After days of unsuccessful attempts to trace her, they sent Tom home promising him that they will continue their search and will notify him if there is any news.

After about 15 days, Tom got a call from the Captain. He said, "I am sorry, I have bad news sir. We found her body at the bottom of the sea and when we pulled her up on the deck, there was an oyster stuck to her bums. We opened it and found a big pearl inside. We estimate its value to be half a million. What do you want us to do?"

Tom replied, "Courier me the pearl. Use DHL. And send her back in as bait."

Friday, July 25, 2014

How good is your son

Josie ran into her old friend Diana in a shopping mall.

After the usual pleasantries, Josie asked Diana, "Hasn't your son graduated in Commerce?"

Diana replied, "Yes, he has."

Josie asked, "So what does he do now?"

Diana replied, "He has joined a mens clothing store as a salesman."

Josie said, "A salesman? Is he good at his job?"

Diana smiled and said, "You ask if he is good. Let me tell you he is just too good! Why, the other day an old lady came to his store to purchase a suit to bury her dead husband in. Can you believe it, my son convinced her to buy an extra shirt for him!"

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Santa's presence of mind

Santa Singh was returning home after a hard day of work. It was late in the night and the streets were deserted. Suddenly, an armed man came out from behind the bushes and pointing his gun at Santa, said in a harsh tone, "Give me your wallet."

Santa handing his wallet said to the perpetrator, "You can take my money but please use your gun to put a hole in my turban, or else Jassi, my wife, will never believe I was robbed."

The mugger agreed and shot through Santa's turban.

Santa had another request and giving his jacket to the perpetrator, said, "Can you pump a few bullets into my jacket to make it look like I put up a good fight, or else my wife Jassi will get the chance to call me a coward."

The mugger agreed and shot a number of bullets through Santa's jacket.

Santa was ready with another request. He said, "One more thing. Can you..."

The perpetrator interrupted him and said, "Listen, I am out of bullets. There's nothing more I can do for you."

"Good", replied Santa, pulling up his sleeves to show his muscular arms, "Now, give me back my wallet and hand me your wallet to cover for my turban & jacket that you messed up. Or else I will beat the pulp out of you!"

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

Founder's day

This has to be one of the best jokes I have heard.

It was the founder's day at the Asian Heart institute, a reputed hospital specializing in heart diseases.

Dr. Robert Smith had been invited to be the chief guest and to deliver a speech on healthy living. During his speech, Dr Smith said, "The things that we eat can end our lives. Aerated drinks corrode our bodies, red meat is dangerous for the heart, Chinese food is full of sodium, our drinking water has bacteria, high fat foods have dangerous impacts over a period of time. However, there is one food that we have all relished and which can cause the highest level of damage. Can anyone seated here tell me what is that food which can cause anguish and misery for years after eating it.

There was silence in the audience, till the time a very old gentleman slowly raised his hand and replied, "Wedding cake."

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"