Really Funny Jokes

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Stingy old money lender

Rahat Khan, a stingy old money-lender in rural India, was on his death bed. So great was his love for money that he wanted to take all of it to his afterlife. So Rahat Khan instructed his wife to collect 5 grand from the bank and put it in 2 large leather cases. The next instruction to her was to place the leather bags in the attic
just above his bed so that when he started for his final destination, he would grab the bags while proceeding to Heaven.

Rahat Khan died and his wife led a lonely life. After a few months, when she went to the attic to clean, she found the two bags stuffed with money. She said to herself, "That foolish husband of mine, he should have asked me to place the bags in the basement!"

Monday, July 21, 2014

Tailors will be tailors

Jason Willis thought he had grown too fat for his trousers so he took them to the tailor to have them altered. He was sent on an overseas job the very next day and for the next 4 years, he was posted at his organization's branch in Delhi, India.

When he returned to Melbourne after a good 4 years and what seemed to him an eternity, he discovered the tailor's receipt in his wardrobe drawer. He remembered the trousers he had given to be altered to size 34, so he headed straight for the tailor's shop. Luckily the shop was still there.

Jason gave the receipt to the tailor and said, "Are my trousers ready?"

The tailor, without looking at him, replied, "Yes sir, it will be ready next Friday."

Sunday, July 20, 2014

Overweight girl

Adam went to Tito's bar in Goa and saw an overweight girl dancing on a table.

Adam commented, "Nice legs!"

The overweight girl smiled at him and said, "Yeah? You really think so?"

Adam said sarcastically, "Yeah! I mean it. Most other tables would have crashed by now!"

Saturday, July 19, 2014

a worthy reply

Rita : Darling, I need $500 for shopping.

Harry (a little upset): You need brains more than money.

Rita (retorting): I can only ask you for something that you have!

Friday, July 18, 2014

Mahabharata woes

Gandhari: “Putra Duryodhan, is yuddh ki samapti ke paschat mujhe Ganga snan ke liye le jana.”

Duryodhan: “Avashya mate, kintu ek samasya hai. Producer ne budget main Ganga snan pass nahin kiya.”

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Boys will be boys

Roger was taking a walk with the priest when he said he wanted to share something. The priest asked him to go on and Roger said, "It's about my son. I deal in clothes and I asked him to join my business. Last week, I caught him kissing one of the models."

The priest tried to console him, "It okay Roger. Why are you making such a big deal out of it? Boys will be boys."

Roger replied, "I deal in men's clothes."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Where do I live?

I had a Maths teacher, Mr. Vikram,  who was well known for being absent minded. He would keep forgetting things and was often made fun of.

It so happened that he moved to a new home in the next block, and fearing he would forget where he lived, his wife jotted down the new address on a piece of paper and gave it to him when he was ready to leave for school. She reminded him to check the note on the way back from school, so he does not end up going to the old address.

Well, Mr. Vikram had a busy day teaching at school and also, had a meeting with the Principal regarding disciplinary measures and new rules to be introduced. He took notes on the back of the piece of paper his wife had given him, and then handed it over to his assistant for follow up forgetting that his new address was on the other side of the piece of paper.

When he started for home, he didn't remember the new home, as expected, and reached his old residence. When he found the door locked, he remembered the new home and started looking in his pocket for the slip of paper. Not finding it, he started wandering the streets looking for his new home, when he came across a young girl.

He stopped her and asked, "Excuse me, my name is Prof Vikram and I teach Maths. Would you, by any chance, know where I live?"

"Certainly yes, daddy," said the girl.


Tuesday, July 15, 2014

How did it happen?

Dean and Martin were sitting in a bar nursing their respective poisons. Dean appeared to be depressed. Martin asked the reason.

Dean said, “Sometimes I really don’t understand how my wife and I ended up getting married.”

Martin said, “Huh, what’s bothering you?”

Dean went on, “My wife swore to God she would never marry me when I was drunk and I would never even dream of marrying her when I was sober.”

Monday, July 14, 2014

Funny speech

There were two schools-one exclusively for girls and the other only for boys. When the local government passed an ordinance to strictly maintain gender equality, all such institutions had to merge and so did these two schools.

On the opening of the new co education school, the state minister addressed the audience thus:

“Friends, I am aware that some of you may regret the exclusiveness and charm of the old individual schools.  Now I tell you, there are things girls can do and boys cannot and there are things that boys can do that girls cannot. But let me assure you friends, best are the things that girls and boys do together."