Really Funny Jokes

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Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bad weather

Nathan was up early on Sunday morning, dressed up, packed sandwiches for himself, took the dog by the leash, and tip-toed into the garage. He loaded the boat into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, fired it up and drove into the pouring rain. There was heavy snowfall with sharp gusts of wind. Nathan drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that there would be a storm.

So he quietly went back to the house, changed into his pyjamas and slipped into the. He ran his hand all over his wife's back and whispered, "The weather's really bad!"

She replied in a sleepy voice, "Can you believe that dim-witted husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!"

Friday, October 24, 2014

A drunkard's story

Tom was an alcoholic and had been trying to kick the habit. He had joined AA, and with great difficulty, had managed to keep off hard drinks. While running an errand downtown, he passed by a pub and has the urge to have a few quick drinks. He promised himself that he is gonna have only a few beers and get out fast, 'cos if he got drunk, he was sure his wife would abandon him.

So he went in, and could not help but get drunk. To make matters worse, he threw up and spoilt his jacket. He started weeping because he knew the inevitable - Mary would get mad at him and seek a divorce. An old gent sitting next to Tom asked him what was wrong and Tom narrated his tale. The old gent said, "C'mon it's not all that bad. I will give you an idea. Take a dollar bill and put it in your jacket pocket. Tell you wife you only had a couple of beers and I puked on you. Just say that I gave you the dollar to get it dry cleaned."

Tom thought it was a great idea and thanked the old man. He went home and when Mary saw his soiled jacket, she got wild and screamed, "You got drunk again! After having put up with you for so long, after having been through so much, you just didn't care about me and got drunk! I am leaving! Now!"

Tom urged Mary to stop and said, "Let me explain, sweetheart. I did not get drunk, only had a couple of buds."

Mary yelled, "Take a look at yourself, you threw up and your jacket is all soiled!"

Tom explained, "There was an old man who was drunk and he threw up on me. He put a dollar bill in my jacket to have it cleaned up. See here."

Mary reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.

"Isn't this a $5 bill?" she asked.

Tom replied, "Uhh, I forgot to mention. He soiled my pants too!"

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Keep the magic alive!

John, Peter and Mike were at the pub enjoying their beer. The topic of discussion was what do they do to keep the magic alive in their marriage.

Peter says, "I'll share my secret with you. After a night of great love making, I pluck some jasmine flowers from the garden and place the petals all over my wife's body. The intoxicating aroma drives her wild."

Mike says, "I give her a great massage with olive oil after a night of passion. She goes crazy!"

John thinks and says, "After the night's adventure, I take a dump in the morning and then wipe my backside with the curtains. She goes nuts!!"

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A strange request

Dr. Robbins, the dentist made a strange request to his patient, Jack. He said, "Jack, please scream at the top of your lungs!"

Jack, surprised by the request, said, "But why Dr. Robbins? There's hardly any pain this time."

Dr. Robbins pleaded, "Please! You must understand. The waiting room is full of people. I have promised my wife that I will take her out for the new James Bond movie. Can't miss it or she will be very upset!"

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

In the middle!

Aron went to this new fast food joint in Infinity mall. Always demanding by habit, he said to the waiter, "Get me steak, not too rare, not too well done, just right in the middle."

His next demand was, "Get me nachos. Not too crispy, not too soggy, but right in the middle."

Another order followed, "Get me cold coffee, not too thick, not too thin, but right in the middle."

The waiter took the order and headed for the kitchen. He came back smiling and said to Aron, "Chef Jolly said you can kiss his backside, not on the right, not on the left, but right in the middle."

Monday, October 20, 2014

No signs of improvement

Jim Weber, the conductor was furious with Hank, the drummer, who constantly seemed to be out of beat. Having supervised him for long hours, Jim felt frustrated as Hank did not show any signs of improvement.
 
Frustrated, Jim Weber reprimanded Hank, "When a performer can't perform anymore and is too stubborn to pick up, they give him 2 sticks, and make him a drummer."

A violinist whispered, "And if he doesn't even manage that, they snatch one of his sticks and make him a conductor!"

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Lost business

Betty-Boo, the chubby blonde, was talking to her old friend Lisa Ray.

She complained, "You know I am on the road a lot. My business depends on fabric samples that my customers courier to me, based on which I proceed with outsourcing of finished garments. But because of my travel, the couriers don't reach me."

Lisa Ray asked her, "So did you try to do something about it?"

"Yes" replied Betty-Boo. "I put a box in my car."

"A box??? How does it help?"

Betty-Boo said, "I don't know as yet. I haven't received any couriers so far."

Lisa Ray asked, "And what is the reason for it?"

Betty Boo answered, "Guess when I am on the move, my zip code keeps changing."

Friday, October 17, 2014

My business

Terry, ever so drunk, goes up to a cute blonde in the pub and says to her, "Do you mind me asking you a personal question?"

The blonde shrugs and said, "I have an idea where this conversation will finally lead to, so go ahead, ask your question."

Terry said, "All right, how many guys have you slept with?"

The blonde retorted, "None of your business. That's my business."

Terry said, "Cool! So what do you charge for a night?"

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Vengeance

Boka says to his friend Khoka, "How do you compare Vengeance to Sweet vengeance?"

Khoka says, "You only tell the answer."

Boka says, "Vengeance is gunning for your enemy's wife, and sweet revenge is discovering she is lousy in bed!"