Really Funny Jokes

Really funny jokes Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Call from the Sunflower clinic

When the Sunflower Clinic called Daniel on him home number, they got the following message on his answering machine.

"Hey, this is Daniel and i am having a great day in the outdoors. The positive thought for the day is LOVE EVERYONE! Leave your name & number and you will hear from me." "Beep".

The caller from the Sunflower left a message, "This is a call from the Sunflower clinic. Talking of POSITIVE, your VD test is back. Stop LOVING EVERYONE."

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Grimace

When Susan walked into the living room in curlers and a much-worn night gown, her husband Ruth could not hide a grimace and commented, "How I wish you could look like how you were when we got married."

Susan replied, "Yeah? Tell me how can I? I ain't pregnant!"

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

How fast?

Roy lived in the countryside with his family. One morning, he was helping his buffalo give birth, when he noticed that his daughter, Kelly, was watching the entire event with curious eyes.

Roy thought to himself that one day he will have to explain to her about the birds and the bees. Why not grab the opportunity and start now, as this was a good occasion.

After the process was over, and a little baby buffalo was born, Roy walked up to Kelly and asked, "Well sweetheart, do you have any questions?"

Little Kelly, still shaken by the entire experience, asked, "How fast was the calf going when it hit the buffalo?"

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Airport embarrassment

This is the story of my friend Joe. Joe was a traveling salesman who would often go out of town on business. One night when Joe returned from a business trip, there was heavy thunder and lightning. He opened the bedroom door and found both his children, Mark and Tina, in bed with his wife. They must have been scared by the sound of thunder and must have wanted the comfort of their mother. Joe went down and slept on the couch that night.

The next morning, during breakfast, Joe explained to his kids that it was fine to sleep with their mother if they are scared, but if he was expected to be back, then they should sleep in their room. The children nodded and said they understood.

After his next trip which turned out to be a long one, Joe's wife and the children decided to receive him at the airport as they had missed him a lot. There were several people in the terminal who had come to receive their friends & family.

As soon as Joe was in sight, his son Mark went running to him and said, "Daddy, I have news for you!"

Joe, lifting his son into his arms, asked, "And what is it?"

Mark announced, "No one slept with Mom while you were on tour this time!"

There was pin-drop-silence. Everybody looked at the little kid, and then at Joe and then tried to figure out who the kid's Mom was.

Monday, October 27, 2014

Missing husband

Gina calls the police to report that her husband, John is missing since 3 days. An officer comes to meet her and asked her to describe her missing husband.

Gina tells the investigating officer, "John height is 6' 3", very handsome, has thick hair, and a smile that can light up a room."

The officer makes notes and then rings the neighbor's doorbell to investigate. The neighbor, Mrs. Jones tells him that she had noticed nothing unusual. When asked about John's appearance to match what his wife Gina had said, Mrs. Jones said, "She is a liar. John's must not be more than 5' 5". He is bald, has scars on his face and is always in a rotten mood."

Later that day, Mrs. Jones asks Gina why she had given false details to the officer.

Gina replied, "Well, if I reported him missing doesn't mean that I want John back."

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Bad weather

Nathan was up early on Sunday morning, dressed up, packed sandwiches for himself, took the dog by the leash, and tip-toed into the garage. He loaded the boat into his Chevrolet pick-up truck, fired it up and drove into the pouring rain. There was heavy snowfall with sharp gusts of wind. Nathan drove back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that there would be a storm.

So he quietly went back to the house, changed into his pyjamas and slipped into the. He ran his hand all over his wife's back and whispered, "The weather's really bad!"

She replied in a sleepy voice, "Can you believe that dim-witted husband of mine is fishing in these conditions!"

Friday, October 24, 2014

A drunkard's story

Tom was an alcoholic and had been trying to kick the habit. He had joined AA, and with great difficulty, had managed to keep off hard drinks. While running an errand downtown, he passed by a pub and has the urge to have a few quick drinks. He promised himself that he is gonna have only a few beers and get out fast, 'cos if he got drunk, he was sure his wife would abandon him.

So he went in, and could not help but get drunk. To make matters worse, he threw up and spoilt his jacket. He started weeping because he knew the inevitable - Mary would get mad at him and seek a divorce. An old gent sitting next to Tom asked him what was wrong and Tom narrated his tale. The old gent said, "C'mon it's not all that bad. I will give you an idea. Take a dollar bill and put it in your jacket pocket. Tell you wife you only had a couple of beers and I puked on you. Just say that I gave you the dollar to get it dry cleaned."

Tom thought it was a great idea and thanked the old man. He went home and when Mary saw his soiled jacket, she got wild and screamed, "You got drunk again! After having put up with you for so long, after having been through so much, you just didn't care about me and got drunk! I am leaving! Now!"

Tom urged Mary to stop and said, "Let me explain, sweetheart. I did not get drunk, only had a couple of buds."

Mary yelled, "Take a look at yourself, you threw up and your jacket is all soiled!"

Tom explained, "There was an old man who was drunk and he threw up on me. He put a dollar bill in my jacket to have it cleaned up. See here."

Mary reached into his pocket and pulled out a $5 bill.

"Isn't this a $5 bill?" she asked.

Tom replied, "Uhh, I forgot to mention. He soiled my pants too!"

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Keep the magic alive!

John, Peter and Mike were at the pub enjoying their beer. The topic of discussion was what do they do to keep the magic alive in their marriage.

Peter says, "I'll share my secret with you. After a night of great love making, I pluck some jasmine flowers from the garden and place the petals all over my wife's body. The intoxicating aroma drives her wild."

Mike says, "I give her a great massage with olive oil after a night of passion. She goes crazy!"

John thinks and says, "After the night's adventure, I take a dump in the morning and then wipe my backside with the curtains. She goes nuts!!"

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

A strange request

Dr. Robbins, the dentist made a strange request to his patient, Jack. He said, "Jack, please scream at the top of your lungs!"

Jack, surprised by the request, said, "But why Dr. Robbins? There's hardly any pain this time."

Dr. Robbins pleaded, "Please! You must understand. The waiting room is full of people. I have promised my wife that I will take her out for the new James Bond movie. Can't miss it or she will be very upset!"