Really Funny Jokes

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Thursday, January 29, 2015

Who wants to go to Heaven?

Father John visited a shady bar in the suburbs.

He met a drunk man and asked him, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "Yeah Father."

Father John said, "Then leave this place now and never come back."

He asked another man who was drinking, "Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

The man replied, "I do Father."

Father John said, "Then go away from this rotten place and take a pledge never to return."

The Father met Bubba and asked, ""Son, do you want to go to Heaven?"

Bubba replied, "No Father."

Father John, taken aback by the answer, asked, "Do you mean after your death, you have no desire to go to Heaven?"

Bubba laughed and said, "Of course, of course, but only when I die. You appeared to be on the way right now with the group you are forming."

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Jet speed

"Wow", said an eagle to another, "Did you notice that speed of that jet plane? Isn't that something?"

The other eagle, clearly unimpressed, said, "Big deal! You would be flying at the same speed if your tail was on fire!"

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Karma

A guy had a racehorse named Karma. Karma had never won a race and his owner was pretty mad about it. There was another race coming up and the owner warned Karma,"If you do not win this race today, you will have to pull a milk-wagon from tomorrow morning."

The race begins, and all horses started off with a bang....but wait a minute, there was Karma, fast asleep at the starting point of the track. The furious owner kicked him and asked, "Why the hell are you sleeping??"

Karma replied, rudely awaken from his slumber, replied "Just resting so I can get up at 4 in the morning."

Monday, January 26, 2015

Cruising down the highway

Robbie, the truck driver, was cruising along the highway, when he noticed a small brown guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am brown. I am from Pluto and I am hungry."

Robbie shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I can offer you my sandwich, little fella and that's about all I can do."

Robbie gave his sandwich to the little guy and drove off. After a little distance, he noticed a small red guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am red. I am from Mars and I am thirsty."

Robbie getting a little impatient, said "All I have is a bottle of beer. You can take it, but that's about all I can do for you."

He handed over the beer to the small guy and drove off. He had covered only a few miles when he saw a small blue man in the middle of the road.

Robbie, a little irritated by then, stopped his truck and said to the guy angrily, "Yes, you idiotic blue joker. Which godforsaken planet are you from, and what do you want?"

The little guy replied, "May I see your Driver's license, sir!"

Saturday, January 24, 2015

The new employee

The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office.

Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?"

The new employee replied, "Jonathan."

The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name."

The new employee said, "My last name is Honey."

The Admin Head said, "Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."

Friday, January 23, 2015

Music joke

Nathan gifted his son Johnny a guitar on his 16th birthday with vouchers for 5 free lessons.

When Johnny returned from his first lesson, Nathan asked him, "How did it go?"

Johnny replied, "I did learn a few notes on the G Major."

In the next week, after the second lesson, Johnny came home and said, "I did learn a few notes on the D string."

After a few days,Johnny came home very late smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.

So Nathan asked him, "What did you learn in today's lesson?"

Johnny replied, "I could not attend today's lesson. I had a gig!"

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Drunk driving

Sid and John, totally drunk at the bar, were driving home. Sid yelled, "John! Watch out for the tree. Watch out Johhnnnn!"

Crash!!Boom! Bang!!!

They hit the tree and passed out.

They found themselves in adjacent hospital beds the next morning. Sid said to John, "You are such an idiot. I shouted there was a tree ahead. Why didn't you listen to me???"

John replied, "It was YOU driving!!"