Really Funny Jokes

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Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Monday, September 15, 2014

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Very drunk man

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, "Is this your house?"

"Yesh!", replied the inebriated man.

The night-patrol policeman asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yessh sirr", replied the wasted man."Can you help me open the door, I'll prove it to you."

They went in and the drunkard said, "You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!"

He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs.He made his way up unsteadily. He opEned the door and declared, "See the bedd. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed - that's my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That's meee!"

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Baby ships

Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"

Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"

"Yes", replied Arjun.

"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Angry sheikh

Pete, Harry and Alex were holidaying in Dubai. While shopping in a mall, they came across some beautiful girls and started flirting with them. They had no idea that

the girls were from the harem of a local sheikh who was a tycoon.

All the three men were forced into a Land Rover and taken to the sheikh's palace. When the sheikh's men who had escorted the girls to the mall, narrated what had

happened, the sheikh was mad as hell. The sheikh roared, "I own these girls. You had the audacity to flirt with my girls! You will pay for this.  You will all die in

line with your profession.

With this, the sheikh pointed towards Pete and asked, "What is your profession?"

Pete replied, "I am a carpenter."

The sheikh ordered his men to hammer down Pete's manhood.

Next was Harry and the sheikh asked him, "What do you do for a living?"

Harry replied, "I am a fire fighter"

The sheikh ordered his men to burn his manhood.

The shiekh asked Alex, "What's your line of work?"

Alex looked mighty pleased and said with a smile, "I sell lollipops!"

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Long face

The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"

Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."

The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"

Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Problem solved

Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.

Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"

Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"

The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.

A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"

Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"

"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I have not been home yet."