Really Funny Jokes

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Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Art gallery

Sculptor Jehangir Babar stood in the art gallery, admiring 7 of his sculptures that were on display.  He approached Jeff, the guy who managed the gallery and asked, "Has anyone shown interest in buying the sculptures?"

Jeff replied, "I have some positive and some negative news. There has been a positive response to the sculptures. There is this gent who has shown keen interest in your work. In fact, he wanted to know if the value of your art will appreciate after your death. I replied in the affirmative and he agreed to buy all the 7 sculptures. "

"That's great news," said Jehangir. "What's the bad news?"

Jeff replied, "The gent I was mentioning is your doc."

Monday, September 29, 2014

What goes first

Mrs. Torres asked her students in class, "When a person dies, which part of the human body does God first call for?" She added, "The most creative answers will get a prize."

Suzie raised her hand. When the teacher gave her nod, Suzie said, "The brain. One needs a mind to have faith in God."

"Good answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Can anyone else answer the question?"

Penny raised her hand and answered, "It is the heart that goes first. Its from the heart that one loves God."

"Brilliant answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Who else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The legs!"

Mrs. Torres asked, "Why the legs?"

Timmy answered, "My parents were not at home when my sister's boyfriend came home. My sis had her legs up in the air and she said, "My God, I'm coming!"

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Little boys and girls

It was Tuesday at St. Mary, a small school in the countryside. The moral science teacher, Mrs. Bamonte, said to a naughty boy called Timmy, "There is not one day that I don't get complaints of you. You have to stop your pranks, Timmy. Do you know where little boys and girls go when they play pranks?"

Timmy was fast to reply, "I know. They go to the barn."

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The same thing

It was a full moon night and there was romance in the air. Henry and Joanna were involved in passionate adventures in his bedroom, when Henry asked her, "Can I ask you something? Am I the first one?"

Joanna replied with matter-of-fact expression, "Yes, you are the first one. And the most incredible one. I don't understand why all you guys always want to know the same thing!"

Friday, September 26, 2014

Honeymooners

Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.

Clara was thrilled.

Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."

Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."

Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Being polite

As the passenger train slowly started moving, Ed waving goodbye to his friend Morris, said from the open window, "I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your place. Thank you for taking good care of me. And tell your wife she is really good in bed."

A co-passenger, sitting next to him was shocked and said to Ed, "I couldn't help but overhear what you said. How can you tell a man that his wife is good in bed?"

Ed replied, "Well she is not. I was only trying to be polite, do you mind?"

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Surviving a hurricane

When Hurricane Laila hit the Indian sea shore, a luxury boat owned by Indian billionaire Gupta got capsized near the Andaman and Nicobar islands. Bachelor Gupta, who was holidaying with his Man Friday, Prasad, survived the hurricane and swam to a deserted island. The Man Friday, Prasad also swam with Gupta to safety. Prasad was nervous and restless all the time while Gupta was cool as a cucumber. When Prasad could take it no more, he said to Gupta, "Do you realize that we could both die on this island without anybody ever knowing what happened to us. And yet I see you so relaxed. Are you not afraid to die?"

Gupta asked him to calm down and said, "I had donated 5 millions to the Indian Cancer society 4 years back. 3 Million went to the Sports Association of India couple of years back. Another four million went to the ruling political party during elections last year. They all are in need of funds again and I am sure one of them is going to find me!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

Monday, September 22, 2014

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."