Really Funny Jokes

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Friday, August 22, 2014

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Balloon ride



Dean was up in an air balloon and soon lost his bearings. He had no idea where he was and what direction he should take. He looked down and saw a vast field. Dean reduced altitude of the balloon and saw a man watering plants. He shouted to the man: “Hi there.”

The man reciprocated: “Hi.”

Dean: “Pardon me, I have lost my way, don’t know where I am. I promised my girl I would meet her an hour ago and I don’t know which way to go. Can you guide me?”

The man: “You are twenty five feet from the ground hanging in a balloon. You are forty five degrees latitude or thereabouts and sixty degrees longitude.

Dean said: “You are an accountant.”

The man: “So I am. How did you guess?”

Dean: “Whatever you told me may be correct. But I have no notion what to make of it. The information you gave me is of no use. I am where I was, confused and lost.”

The man: “You are in management.”

Dean: “Sure. What made you say so?”

The man: “See you don’t know where you are or where to go.  You promised your girl friend and you have no idea how to keep it. You expect people working under you to find solutions to your problems or else you blame them. In our case you are in the same position before you saw me but you have made it seem like my fault.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Last words

Dan died and Marie’s heart was broken. She could not be consoled. The regular pastor was not available and so they found one from the neighboring area. The new one asked Marie some questions so that he could say something nice about Dan in his sermon. Finally he asked: “What did Dan say just before he died? I mean, what were his last words?”

Marie was thoughtful, then said: “Marie, don’t pull the trigger.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The hunt

Dean and Martin hired a small plane to get into deep forest to hunt deer. They spent the whole afternoon and killed four big deer. They then called for the pilot to pick them up. When the plane came, they started to load their rifles and other equipments along with the four hunts. At this, the pilot objected saying the plane could take load of only two kills.

Dean argued that the previous year too their pilot had allowed four kills and it was the same model plane. The pilot gave in reluctantly against his better judgment.

They boarded the plane with their load. But after gaining height the plane crashed a little distance away. Getting out of the plane, Dean asked: “Mart, any idea where we are?”

Martin looked around and said: “Ummh.... I think we are a little south to where we crashed last year.”

Monday, August 18, 2014

Aggressive bull

Farmer Joe's latest addition to his farm was a young cow. The moment the cow entered the farm gate, Joe's big bull spotted her and started stomping it's feet. It became aggressive and started kicking and jumping.

Farmer Joe feared the bull would knock her up. He wanted the cow to feel at home first before letting her out with the bull. So he consulted the local vet who advised Joe to tie a big curtain around the cow's rump to keep the bull away.

Joe did just that and went to sleep. The next morning, he went to check on the cow but she was nowhere to be seen. Joe followed the trail of her steps to a distance and noticed a young boy sitting near a pond. Farmer Joe asked the young boy if he had seen a cow with a curtain tied around her rump.

The young lad replied, "Don't know that, sir, but I saw one run by with a handkerchief sticking out of her behind!"

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Blind

The Sunday church was full, and everyone was singing spiritual songs. The rhythm was building up into a frenzy. A pretty young woman, leaning ahead in the balcony, lost her balance in her enthusiasm and fell over the railing.

As she was falling, the hem of her dress got caught in the chandelier. Though it arrested her fall, her dress was pulled over her waist for a nice view available to everyone below.

The preacher shouted, "Any man who looks up shall turn blind!"

Old man Jason whispered into his friend's ears, "I think I will take that chance. My right eye isn't worth much anyway!"

Saturday, August 16, 2014

White-haired woman

My father was  out for his morning jog, when he noticed an old white-haired woman seated on a bench and crying uncontrollably. My father stopped to check what was wrong and if he could do anything to help her.

Still sobbing, she said to Dad, "I have a husband at home who I am married to since the last 48 years. He makes love to me in the morning. For breakfast, he makes poached eggs, toast, grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms and fresh coffee for me very morning."

My father asked, "So why are you weeping?"

The white-haired woman said, "For lunch, he prepares broccoli soup, salad, steak and pie. Then he gives pleasure to me in bed all afternoon."

My father, now thoroughly confused, asked, "So why is it that you are upset?"

The old woman went on, "He makes roasted beef for dinner, serves it to me with wine and dessert. Then he makes me feel like a woman for 2 hours in the night."

My father, impatient by now, asked again, "So why the tears?"

The old woman answered, "I can't recollect where I live!"

Friday, August 15, 2014

Lottery money

China's premier TV channel was interviewing a farmer called Chang who had just won a big lottery. The channel representative said to Chang, "Congrats on wining RMB 1 million. How do you plan to spend the money?"

Chang replies, "I will just continue to be a farmer until all the lottery money is gone."

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Wonders of a new born

Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.

One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.

Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"

Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"