Hilarious jokes-Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn

Poison Ivy and Harley Quinn decide to go rob a bank.

"Now, remember the plan," Ivy tells Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, no problem!" She says, and walks into the bank. Ivy waits in the getaway car.
Time passes. Five minutes...ten...Ivy starts getting worried...fifteen...
Suddenly Harley comes rushing out of the bank, dragging a safe behind her all tied up in rope. Behind her, the guard comes running out...with his pants down!

Ivy groans. "Harley, you idiot! I said to tie up the guard and blow the safe! NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!"

Short funny jokes-Twenty four

Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?

Funny jokes-Accountant's daughter

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up,
"Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

Short jokes-Hamburger and Hot dog

Can a hamburger marry a hot dog?

Only if they have a very frank relationship!

Really funny jokes-Extremely drunk

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morn ing, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."

Obama jokes-New slogan

Q, Whats Obama's new slogan in these tough times?

A. Spare Change You Can Believe In!

Really funny jokes-Good Samaritan

A good Samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?"
"Yep".
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?"
"Yep".
"Would you like me to help you upstairs?"
"Yep".
So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs. Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

One line jokes--History

My teacher reminds me of history She's always repeating herself !

Blonde jokes-Horrific car accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

Good jokes-History repeats itself

Why does history keep repeating itself ?

Because we weren't listening the first time !

Thanksgiving jokes-Eat Turkey

Why did the Pilgrims eat turkey on Thanksgiving?

They couldn't get the moose in the oven.

Really funny jokes-Fight and lose weight

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

Funny jokes-Parking lots

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says, "Why are men the same as parking lots".

So the second lady says "I don't know?"

So the first lady says, " all the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!"

Animal jokes-Trained the human

One lab mouse to another: I've trained that crazy human at last.

How have you done that?

I don't know how, but every time I run through that maze and ring the bell, he gives me a piece of cheese.

Short funny jokes-Tennis stars

Name two tennis stars who are famous in the hamburger world?

Bjorn Borger and Billie Jean-o's Burger King!

Really funny jokes-Golden wedding anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary. "Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

Thanksgiving jokes-Baseballs

Teacher: "What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?"

Student: "Baseballs."

Teacher: "Baseballs?"

Student: "Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!"

Economy jokes-Funny money

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock and collapse of the Bradford and Bingley in the UK it is clear that the uncertainty has now hit Japan and Ireland.

In the last seven days Origami Bank has folded; Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Celebrity jokes-Not interested in education

Q: Why isn't Hilary Duff interested in education?

A: She said that she was not interested in learning about anything that was so yesterday.

Funny jokes-Moose from Canada

A Scotsman paying his first visit to a zoo stopped by one of the cages "An' whut animal would that be ?" he asked the keeper.

"That's a moose from Canada", came the reply.

"A moose !!", exclaimed the Scotsman. "Hoots, mon, if that's a moose then they must ha' rats the size of elephants over there !"

Really funny jokes-Cat coming in the door

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober. He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says, "You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!"

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds, "You're drunker than I thought!", taking the rest of the alcohol away, "That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!"

Clean jokes-Baby monster

Why did the baby monster put his father in the freezer?

Because he wanted frozen pop.

Hilarious jokes-Ethics

The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him. "How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"

The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England."

Good jokes-Politician and truth

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?

A liar.

Funny jokes-Tap dancing duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner.

After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot. Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

Short funny jokes-Ant who like to be alone

What do you call an ant who likes to be alone ?

An independant !

Really funny jokes-For a million dollars

"You wouldn't sleep with Angelina Jolie for a million dollars, would you?", asked the cuddling wife.

"Don't be ridiculous", said the husband. "How am I gonna raise a million dollars?"

Most popular jokes-English passenger

As the airliner was preparing to land in Madrid in a rainstorm, an English passenger seemed noticeably afraid.

"What's the problem, fellow?" asked his seat mate.

"Surely," said the Englishman, "you've heard the saying, 'The planes in Spain fall mainly in the rains!!'"

Funny jokes-Face to face

FRED: Did I ever tell you about the time I came face to face with a very fierce gorilla?

BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .

BERT: What did you do?

FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.

Clean jokes-Neutron

A neutron walks into a bar. "I'd like a beer" he says.

The bartender promptly serves up a beer.

"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.

"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."

Funny jokes-Debit fee

'The people beat Bank of America, who withdrew their $5 debit fee. Instead, the bank is going to replace that with a $60 annual fee."
-Jay Leno

Really funny jokes-Calm Pilot

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window. "Good lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side. The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanor made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants. Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those parachutes?" The pilot said they were. The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?"

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. "We're going to get help."

Animal jokes-Apes in Hollywood film

What did the Hollywood producer say to the Apes in the zoo when they refused to sign contracts to appear in his new film?

Stop playing it cagey!

Funny jokes-Mongoose in a box

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Really funny jokes-The Lone Ranger's horse

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, "I do. Why?"

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims, "I do. What is wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy says to him, "Nothing much, I just wanted you to know............ you left your Injun running!!!"

Celebrity jokes-Hit me baby

Q: What did Britney say to Kevin when they were in bed ?

A: Hit me baby one more time.

Hilarious jokes-Aviation blues

Tower: Shamu two-two, please state estimated time of arrival.
Pilot: Ok, let's see..., I think Tuesday would be nice...

Tower: Have you got enough fuel or not?
Pilot: Yes.
Tower: Yes what??
Pilot: Yes, SIR!

LH741: Tower, give me a rough time check.
Tower: It's Thursday, Sir.

Some kind of joke

An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"

Really funny jokes-Describe in Albhabets

A wife asked her husband to describe her.

He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.

She said, 'What does that mean?'

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot'.

She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said, ' I'm Just Kidding'

Teacher jokes-Banana diet

Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet.

Andy: Did she lose weight?

Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!

Funny jokes-Insurance and Sales representatives

An insurance rep, a sales assistant and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp.

The rep rubs off some of the grime and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. The Genie says, "I only grant 3 wishes, so I will grant one for each of you."

"Dips on the first one!” says the sales assistant. "I relax on a beach in maui, with an endless supply of Sailor Jerry, without a care in the world." All of the sudden there is a poof and a cloud of smoke and the assistant is gone.

The sales rep is amazed and steps up to go next. "I want to be transported to bora bora with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Instantly the sale rep is gone.

The genie then turns to the manager and says "You’re next.”

The manager thinks for a moment and then says, "I want both of them back in the office by noon."

Clean jokes-Cultured individuals

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."

Really funny jokes-Aviation amusement

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" S

peedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

Good jokes-Reluctant father

Little Jordan wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents, Al and Elaine, for days. Finally Elaine talked Jordan's reluctant father into taking him. And so Jordan and Al got into the car and left.

"So how was it?" Elaine asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Jordan replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked Elaine. "

Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Jordan, excitedly, "especially when one of the animals came racing home at 30 to 1!"

Funny animal jokes-Does your dog bite?

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet. "Does your dog bite?"

"No."

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

"I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" the man says indignantly.

"That's not my dog."

Really funny jokes-Penguins' day out

There was this truck driver who had to deliver 500 penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck through the desert, his truck breaks down. After about 3 hours, he waves another truck down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the state zoo for him.

The next day the original truck driver arrives in town and sees the new truck driver crossing the road with 500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The original truck driver jumps out of his truck and asks, "What's going on? I gave you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!"

The new truck driver responds, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough money left over so now we're going to see a movie."

Funny jokes-Drank so much

"Didja hear the news?" asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon. "Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!"

"Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!"

Celebrity jokes-Jail sentence

Q: Why is George Michael's 8 week jail sentence too harsh?

A: He has to serve the sentence in a women's prison!

Really funny jokes-Northern and Southern zoo

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?

In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

Good jokes-Fuel truck

Pilot: Tower, please call me a fuel truck.

Tower: Roger. You are a fuel truck.

Halloween jokes-President Obama

President Obama tried to get a new tax through for Halloween. He wanted all families making more than $250,000 to give extra candy to trick-or-treaters.

Hilarious jokes-Baby hippo's name

Zoo visitor: What's the new baby hippo's name?

Hippopotamus keeper: I don't know, he won't tell me.

Clean jokes-Inebriated driver

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters. The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was. "Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he. "And what did you do then," the troopers asked."

The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed. "Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage. "May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage. Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Really funny jokes-Guess who?

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"

The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

Short funny jokes-Trashing the hotel room

What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room?

Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

Hilarious jokes-Curing the illness

One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender. The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked, "Why did you do that?"

The drunk said very apologetically, "I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?"

The bartender answered, "Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?" The drunk replied, "I never thought of that. Maybe I will."

The bartender said, "Don't come back until you do get help," and the drunk left.

About three months later the drunk came back to the same bar, ordered another gin and tonic, drank half of it, and poured the rest of it on the bartender.

The bartender shouted, "I thought I told you not to come back until you got help!"

The drunk replied, "I did. Now I don't feel ashamed."

No Hope

When Americans woke up last month, they suddenly realized:
15 years ago they had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope ... Today they have no Jobs, no Cash and no Hope....

Good jokes-See the monkeys

"Hey, Pop," pleaded Angelo, "can I go to the zoo to see the monkeys?" "

What's the matter with you?" asked his father. "Why would you wanna go see the monkeys when your Aunt Maud is here?"