Sunday, September 30, 2012

Really funny jokes-Sensitive stuff

Three Aussie guys, Shane, Ricky and Jeff, were working on a high-rise building project in Wagga Wagga. Unfortunately, Shane falls off the scaffolding and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ricky says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.'
Jeff says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Ricky says, 'Where did you get that, Jeff?'

'Shane's wife gave it to me.'

Ricky continues, 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?'

'Well not exactly,' Jeff said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Shane's widow."

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are.'

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Short funny jokes-Scared of water

Donald: It's strange to find my wife so scared of water.

Tony: How do you find out?

Donald: I reached home early from work yesterday and found her in the bath tub with the security guard!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Really funny jokes-Little Johnny's school days

Miss Patricia decided to start her class with a new assignment, so she began writing furiously on the blackboard. The assignment being a big one, she had to stretch herself to write from the top of the board.

She heard a chuckle and instantly recognized the voice. She turned around and demanded, "What did you find so funny, Jerry?"

Jerry replied, "I just saw one of your garters."

Miss Patricia thundered, "Get out of my class this very moment and I don't want to see your face for a full week."

She turned back to writing on the blackboard. She had omitted to write the title of the chapter due to the distraction, so she stretched harder to scribble on the top of the board. A louder giggle echoed in the room and she quickly turned around to ask, "Will you share the joke with the class, Mike?"

Mike replied sheepishly, "I just saw both of your garters."

She shouted, "Get out of my class. And stay out for a month."

Embarrassed by the happenings, she dropped the marker and as she bent over to pick it up, Miss Patricia heard loud laughter. As she prepared herself for another round of firing, she noticed Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going, young man?" Miss Patricia boomed.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Hilarious jokes-Pilot in trouble

A desperate pilot contacts tower to say, "I am in a situation - 400 miles from land, 500 feet over water and fast running out of fuel. Please give instructions! "

"Tower to pilot. Tower to pilot. Repeat after me, 'Our Father, which art in heaven...'"

French jokes

Why wouldn't the Statue of Liberty work in France?
Because she has only one arm raised.

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The Army.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Really funny jokes-Rod and reel

Anita walks into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."

Anita didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $25.00".

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $30.50."

Anita says, "But didn't you say it was $25.00?"

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $25.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Funny jokes-My bed

Lucy was sitting on a park bench, when a beggar appeared out of nowhere and said to her, "Sweetheart, let's have some fun!"

Lucy was furious and shouted, "How dare you say such a thing?"

The beggar commented, "Then what are you doing on my bed?"

Kids jokes-Soldiers in your cup

Mary was surprised by her 8 year old grandson one morning when he got coffee for her while she was still in bed.

She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Sweetheart, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

(It's a play in an old coffee commercial where the slogan was, "The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup.") 

Monday, September 24, 2012

Really funny jokes-Waiting in line

Waiting in Line

I am listing below a host of reasons to thank to all the hyper-markets like Wal-Mart, K-Mart, for having 20 to 25 checkout lanes and only four open at any given point of time.

- Waiting in long queues keeps my domestic brain from going completely redundant - there's so much to discover!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 16 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those irritating cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Daisy.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we-never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero-transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Short funny jokes-Handsome face

After accepting an invitation to dance with a rather prematurely balding man, Kate, 25 years of age, wanted to lighten the mood and said, "Well, God was good to you, gave you a handsome face and room for another one."

Clean jokes-Spelling problem

A young boy went to an office to be interviewed for a job, and was asked his full name.

"Karthik Ganesan Muthuswamy," he replied.

"How do you spell that?" asked the rattled manager.

"Well...sir........can't you just put it down without spelling it?"

Saturday, September 22, 2012

Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library

A final list of things you can do in the LIBRARY..

1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.

2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .

3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?

4. Say, “Who’s Freddie??Then act like you didn’t say anything.

5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!

6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I’d like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I’m sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.

7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you’re in there!?When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m calling the book genie out!?/font>

8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.

9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you’re doing, say happily, “I’m roosting!?

10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you’re doing, say, “I’m counting my brain cells!?

11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.

12. Repeat every thing they say to you.

13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??

14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.

15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?

16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!

17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.

18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.

19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?

20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?

21. Get a child’s book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.

22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??

23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How’d this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Animal jokes-Drink in cafe

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money.
"I'm not paying," said the duck. "I've only got one bill and I'm not breaking it."
"I've spent my last buck," said the deer.
"Then the duck'll have to pay," said the skunk.
"Getting here cost me my last scent."

Short funny jokes-Bald teacher

What do you call an English teacher, five feet tall, covered from head to toe in boils and totally bald?

Sir!

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Really funny jokes-True Believers

The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.


One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

One line jokes-Going insane

I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Really funny jokes-Persevere!

A young pastor was sitting in a restaurant eating lunch. He opened a letter he’d just received that morning from his mom. As he opened it a twenty-dollar bill fell out. He thought to himself, Thanks, Mom, I sure needed that right now.

As he finished his meal, he noticed a beggar outside on the sidewalk leaning against the light post. Thinking that the poor man could probably use the twenty dollars more than he, he crossed out the names on the envelope and wrote across the top in large letters, PERSEVERE!

So as not to make a scene, he put the envelope under his arm and dropped it as he walked past the man. The man picked it up and read the message and smiled.

The next day, as the pastor enjoyed his meal, the same man tapped him on the shoulder and handed him a big wad of bills.

Surprised, the young pastor asked him what that was for.

The man replied, “This is your half of the winnings. Persevere came in first in the fourth race at the track yesterday and paid thirty to one.”*

Monday, September 17, 2012

Funny jokes-You might be a Lawyer if

You Might Be a Lawyer if...

you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
you believe that a forty words' sentence is a short one.
you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it's verbal or written.
your other car is a BMW.
when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
when your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

Doctor jokes-Frustrating

Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an appointment, and when he examines you he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Really funny jokes-Timbuktu

A group of Texas A&M Aggies and a group of Harvard students had been deadlocked in a spelling bee for an entire week. At the end of the contest the score was tied and the judges had a dilemma. They told the contestants that each group was to quickly come up with a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.'

Well the Aggiess started laughing the minute the word was uttered but Harvard just smiled and prepared their short rhyme. One Harvard student stood up and for his group recited
'Through the desert all night
we ride on camels
walking two by two,
Destination Timbuktu.'

Well the crowd politely applauded - they knew the Aggies couldn't beat that and the Aggies just continued laughing throughout the whole process. One Aggie stopped giggling long enough to stand and read the team's effort. He said,
'Tim and I,
a hunting went,
we came upon three women in a tent.
Since they were three and we were two,
I buk one and Timbuktu!'

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Funny jokes-Bald problem

Two pals, Jo & Rob are enjoying beer at a pub.

Jo says, "I am sick of being bald."

Rob suggests, "Why don't you get hair transplant."

Jo replies, "I can't afford it dude!"

Rob says, "Well, you can get some rabbits tattooed on his head."

Jo asks him, "How will that help?"

Rob replies jokingly, "Well, from a distance they will look like hares (hairs)"

Friday, September 14, 2012

Really funny jokes-Just a drill!

Nicholas and Brenda had been married long. They had a luxurious fishing boat which they often used together, but it was Nicholas who was always behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen if there was an emergency.

So one day out on the lake, Nicholas suddenly announced to Brenda, "Ok sweetheart, this is an emergency drill. Pretend that I am having a cardiac arrest. You must get the boat safely to shore."

Brenda was initially taken aback, but she soon composed herself and managed to safely drive the boat to shore.

Later that evening, Brenda walked into the living room where Nicholas was watching tv. She sat down next to him, snatched the remote control, switched the channel, and said to him,"OK sweetheart, this is a drill. Pretend I'm having a cardiac arrest. You must set the table, cook dinner, and wash the dishes."

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Kids jokes-Sheep jumping over fence

Mrs. Smith, the maths teacher, gave the class a problem to solve.

She asked the first graders, "If I had ten sheep and five of them jumped over a fence. How many would be left?"

"None," answered little Tommy.

Mrs. Smith glared at Tommy and said, "None? Tommy, what's wrong with your arithmetic?"

Tommy answered, "Mrs. Smith, you don't know your sheep. When one goes, they all go!"

Short jokes-Gas

Tom : I bet you can't name a word of 10 letters that starts with g-a-s?

Jerry: That's easy - it's an Automobile.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Really funny jokes-Melrose Place TV series Rules

Melrose Place TV series Rules

1. If your "significant other" leaves town for more than a week, sleep with whomever you want. After all, you can't be expected to wait around forever.

2. Never sleep with your boss or coworker. Just kidding. You should do both, often.

3. A good way to unwind after a hard day at the office is to build a fire, curl up with a good book, and rapidly drink seven large glasses of straight vodka.

4. Every once in a while, just go ahead and slap somebody in the face, really hard.

5. Pretend you're pregnant.

6. Feeling a little insecure? Buy a gun!

7. If marriage isn't working, consider a divorce. If divorce isn't convenient, fake your own death.

8. Don't walk too fast when feigning blindness.

9. Never base a relationship on lies and deceit. Just kidding! Dishonesty should be an integral part of any relationship.

10. When you leave someone to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, be sure to shut the door tightly on your way out.

11. Don't date drug dealers...unless they're really good-looking... or have a lot of money...or unless you can gain something from it in some way...or...oh hell, go ahead and date drug dealers.

12. Don't get too close to people in comas. Sometimes they wake up and try to choke you.

13. If you get fired, get drunk.

14. Call your ex-wife "Baby."

15. If you've got to fix your Harley, you might as well take off your shirt and do it by the pool.

16. Randomly insult the people around you.

17. Parents will be parents. Sometimes they'll nag. Sometimes they'll be judgmental. Sometimes they'll commit you to a miserable insane asylum where you'll be bound in a straightjacket and heavily sedated.

18. If you lose your job, wait a few minutes and you'll get an even better job at twice the salary.

19. A good way to aggravate your sister is to tell her that Mom liked you best. Another good way is to sleep with her husband a bunch of times.

20. Just because you're in the midst of ruining someone's career doesn't mean that you can't carpool to work with them.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Funny jokes-Charity

Tony had gathered a lot of cash from trick-or-treating, so he headed for candy store to buy some goodies.

"You should donate that money to charity," said the sales girl.

Tony thought for a moment and said, "No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity."

One line jokes-Follow your dreams

Follow your dreams, but not the one in which you’re in kindergarten in your underwear.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Really funny jokes-Witches

13 Witch Jokes (One for each member of the coven)

1) One of the witch's coven gave birth to twins. The problem arose when the other witches could not tell which witch was witch.

2) Member Edna was a dog trainer by day, then by night she went from wags to witches.

3) When the coven travelled to an out-of-town gathering, Martha could not make it, she was a poor traveller and phoned in broom sick.

4) Celia tried to fly to the coven meeting, but her broomstick broke, no worries, she witch-hiked with Sheila.

5) The other 12 witches asked Gladys why she put her broomstick in the washing machine. Gladys replied that she wanted a clean sweep.

6) Ivana kept on climbing up walls so now the other members of the coven call her 'Ivy'.

7) One day Astrid dropped off at the astrologer's, she wanted to know her horror-scope.

8) Leslie could not distinguish between Tiny Tina and a stag the coven were chasing. Betty said, 'It's easy, one is a haunted stag, the other is a stunted hag'.

9) Celia asked Edna why she carried a pencil sharpener. 'It's to keep my hat pointed', came the reply.

10) When Gladys went to the zoo she bought two tickets. Leslie asked 'Why?'. 'One to get, and one to get out replied Gladys'.

11) Astrid asked Ivy where she bought her garden furniture. 'At the Ideal Gnome' exhibition', came the reply.

12) When ever the coven have a brew up, they always drink their tea from a flying saucer.

13) What happened when the coven's darts team lost all their matches? They had a spell in the second division.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Good jokes-Painless

When a new dentist set up in town he quickly acquired a reputation of being the 'Painless' dentist. However a local little girl called Gemima disputed his claim.

'He's a fake!' Gemima told her friends. 'He's not painless at all. When he stuck his finger in my mouth I bit him - and he screamed like anyone else.'

Short funny jokes-Tire

I had a dream you were a tire last night. I woke up and you were bald.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Really funny jokes-More things to do in a library

Things to do in a library

1. Every time the person next to you turns the page, make a strange sound, or a beep.

2. Announce the page number each time you turn a page.

3. Constantly shift in your seat, and if the person next to you asked what is wrong, reply by saying, "I'm constipated. Hehe."

4. Spell every single word as you read it.

5. Chew gum with your mouth open, and smack your lips while reading.

6. Act like you’re picking your nose. And eating it.

7. Snort loudly, and gargle with your spit.

8. Sneeze a lot.

9. Hold your book right next to your eyes.

10. Every few minutes, get up out of your chair, walk around the table, and sit back down.

11. Stand up, and continue reading.

12. Make a strange sound every few minutes, then act like you didn't do it.

13. Bring a bag of cat food, and start snacking on it.

14. Bring a box of crunchy cereal, a bowl, and a spoon. Then dig in messily, and crunch on it.

15. Ask them, got milk??

16. Read out loud attempting to pronounce easy words. Butcher them badly. But be able to pronounce hard words.

17. Fall out of your seat, then say, meant to do that.?Then do it again. And again.

18. Bring a laptop, and turn up the sound, and play a very noisy game.

19. Wear too many sweaters, and complain how hot it is.

20. Bring one of those fans with a squirt bottle attached, and make it look like you’re attempting to squirt yourself, but hit them instead.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Lawyer jokes-Funny exchanges in Court

Hilariously crazy exchanges in the court of Law:

Lawyer: Are you Donald Asher's mother?
Witness: Yes, I am.
Lawyer: How long have you known him?

----

Lawyer: What happened after that?
Witness: He said to me,"I have no choice but to kill you as you can identify me."
Lawyer: Did he kill you?

Short funny jokes-Aftershave

Roy: "Hey, heard about the new aftershave that drives women crazy?"

Tom: "You mean the Axe effect, don't you?"

Roy: "No, it's a new one. It smells of $100 dollar bills."

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Clean jokes-Better job

Alice, a little girl of 5, was observing her grandpa very intently. Her grandpa asked her, "what are you looking at, my child?"

Running her fingers over his bald head, and his wrinkled face, Alice asked, "Were you created by God?"

"Yes" he answered.

"Did god create me, too?" she asked.

"Yes", he replied.

"Well", she shrugged, "Do you agree he's doing a better job now than he used to?"

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Really funny jokes-Sound of wasps

The man who is the world's leading expert on wasps is walking through Droitwich one day when he passes an old vinyl record shop.

Looking in the window, an album catches his eye: "The Sounds of Wasps from Around the World". He enters the store and asks the salesgirl if he can listen to the album.

"Sure...just go into the booth and put on the headphones," replies the shop assistant.

He does this and listens to ten minutes of buzzing noises until he can take no more.....he leaves the booth and says to the salesgirl, "I'm an expert on wasps and I have to say that I didn't recognize any of those noises".

"Oh, I'm so sorry," answers the assistant, "I was playing you the B side."

[ BEE.....]

Animal jokes-Italian dinosaur family

Q: What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called?

A: Ptera Don

Monday, September 3, 2012

Clean jokes-Bald head

Luke, who lived in a small town, was teased everywhere he went as he had a completely bald head! Having put up with it for years, he decided to would not take it any more. So he climbed a tall tower and shouted for everyone to hear: "I am not bald, it just so happens that I'm taller than my hair!"

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Adult jokes-No network

Jake and Mary have an agreement that anytime they want to make love, they will call it a "PHONE CALL".

One day Jake sends his son to tell his mother that he wants to make a phone call and Mary replies; tell your father, there is no network..

Jake: tell your mother that if there is no network at home, then I'll go to a public phone..

Mary: tell your father that if he dares go to a public phone, then I'll open a call center at home.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Short funny jokes-Wet weather

If a farmer raises wheat in dry weather, what does he raise in wet weather?

An umbrella.

Kids jokes-Spelling of icholas

A little kid raised his hand in class and asked the teacher, "Can you please tell me , ma'am how do you spell icholas?"

Miss Mary, the teacher was rather dazed. "Don't you mean Nicholas?" she asked.

"No, ma'am. I've written the 'N' already."