Good jokes-Nail biting habit

One day Lena confided to her friend Hilda that she had finally cured her nervous husband, Ole, of his habit of biting his nails.

"Good gracious," said Hilda, "How did yew ever dew that?"

"It vas really simple," was Lena's reply. "I yust hid his false teeth."

Clean jokes-Case like this

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

“As you can see,” he says, “the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.”

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks, “What would you do in a case like this?”

“Well,” ponders the student, “I suppose I’d limp, too.”

Really funny jokes-Fart in the bath

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."

Adult jokes-Curly hair

In a local sports bar trivia quiz the other night, I lost by one point. The question was, where do women mostly have curly hair?

Apparently, it's Africa.

Funny jokes-Pinot Wines

There are many "pinot" wines on the market these days: Pinot Noir, Pinot Blanc and Pinot Grigio are but a few.

There is also marketing research on a product for senior citizens from a new hybrid grape that acts as a diuretic and will reduce the number of trips an older person has to make to the bathroom during the night.

They will be marketing the new wine as .... Pinot More.

Really funny jokes-Boy baby

In the maternity ward of a hospital, new-born girl baby looks over at new-born boy baby and asks, "Are you a girl baby or a boy baby?"

The boy baby quickly chirps up, "I'm a boy baby!"

"How can you tell?" asks girl baby.

"Easy," says boy baby. And, with that, he threw off the blankets, hoisted up his itty-bitty night-shirt and proudly pointed downward. "See.....blue booties"

Good jokes-You might be a Statistician if

You Might Be a Statistician if...

no one wants your job.
you are right 95% of the time.
you feel complete and sufficient.
you found accountancy too exciting.
you never have to say you are certain.
you may not be normal but you are transformable.

Obama jokes-Unusual gift

“It’s a great day for our president, Barack Obama, who got to meet the Queen of England today. She very regally gave him a photograph of her, and he gave her an iPod! That’s quite an unusual gift from the President. Usually he gives out about $150 million.”
–Craig Ferguson

Really funny jokes-Pregnancy Dictionary

Pregnancy Dictionary

Afterbirth:
When the hard part begins.

Cravings:
An excuse to gluttonize your way through pregnancy.

Dilation:
One of those things a pregnant woman has to take her doctor's word for.

Elastiphobia:
Fear of making it into the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Stretch Marks."

First Trimester:
The first three months of pregnancy when you wonder, "Is it too late to hire a surrogate mother?"

Maternity Clothes:
What a pregnant woman wears to show people there's a reason she's fat.

Miracle:
1. The birth of a baby.
2. The fact that you lived to tell about it.

Obstetrician:
The doctor who tells you you're doing fine when you think you're caught in the jaws of death.

Pregnant Pause:
The amount of time it takes for a nine-month pregnant woman to get out of a chair.

Prenatal:
When your life was still your own.

Pushing:
The final effort to get a ten-pound baby through an opening the size of a dime.

Second Trimester:
The time when you ask the question, "Will my husband notice if I eat this gallon of ice cream and side of beef before he gets home?"

Third Trimester:
The final months of pregnancy when you wonder, "How much longer can I keep from waddling?"

Kids jokes-CD Holder

My daughter Lili was five when she received a foam CD holder with plastic sleeves for all her music CDs. I explained to her that CDs are sensitive to light and heat, so she should not leave the holder in the sun.

During our home addition, the electrician was working in the backyard and Lili had gone to play in the sandbox, leaving her new CD holder on the patio table. My wife saw it and told Lili she was going to put it in the house.

Lili stood up in the sandbox and said, "Mommy, make sure you put it where the sun doesn't shine!"

The electrician took a break.

Celebrity jokes-Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent

Q: What did Snoop Dogg say to 50 Cent when he saw him putting on a sweater?

A: Hey G, you knit?

Funny jokes-Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

Signs You are Addicted to the Internet

* You kiss your girlfriend's/boyfriend's home page.

* Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

* Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them.

* You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search.

* You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

* You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular-modem and a laptop.

* You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap... and your child in the overhead compartment.

* All you daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 28.8... ISDN... cable modem... T1... T3...

* And even your night dreams are in HTML.

French jokes

Which ghost was president of France?
Charles de Ghoul'

What is the Guillotine?
A French chopping centre.

Really funny jokes-Obama at the Bank

President Obama walks into the Bank of America to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me"?

Cashier: "It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?

Obama: "Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the president of the United States of America !!!!"

Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations, monitoring, of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc I must insist on seeing ID"

Obama: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am"

Cashier: "I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them."

Obama: "I am urging you please to cash this cheque"

Cashier: "Look Mr. President this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque. Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that spectacular shot we cashed his cheque. So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States ?"

Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says: "Honestly, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."

Cashier: "Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

Lawyer jokes-Contingent fee

When asked, "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing."

Animal jokes-Warm in winter

How do sheep keep warm in winter ?

Central bleating !

Really funny jokes-Baseball fan

There was this man who won a contest and got one free ticket to the Baseball World Series final. He was so happy, but when he got to the stadium and found his seat he was somewhat disappointed. His ticket was for the last row, and it was way up there. He couldn't see the game, so he began looking around.

Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.

The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.

'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'

The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'

'Where is she?' the guy replied.

'She died.'

'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'

'No, they couldn't come.'

'Why?'

'Because they are at her funeral.'

Good jokes-The borrowing neighbour

Every time, Peter, the man next door headed toward Paul's house, Paul knew he was coming to borrow something, he was always doing so and it was driving him nuts.

"Peter won't get away with it this time," muttered Paul to Liz, his wife, "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your hedge trimmer this morning?" asked Paul the neighbour.

"Crikey, I'm terribly sorry," said Paul with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," smiled Peter, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?

Short funny jokes-Hurricanes and tornadoes

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we'd have to call them slow-i-canes.

What is a tornado ?
Mother nature doing the twist !

Really funny jokes-Welcoming the neighbour

Archie, a successful business man becomes fed up with all the stress of big city life and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and buys a large ranch in the middle of the outback, just north of Barossa Valley in South Australia.

After a couple of months of enjoying the quietness and solitude he hears the drumming of hoofs outside his home. Seizing his rifle he challenges the man riding up on the horse, "G’day neighbour, hold it right there.”

The rider says, "I'm your neighbour, I have a ranch only 20 miles from here, and I want to invite you to a Welcome Party I'm throwing for you next Saturday. There's going to be music, dancing, hugging, kissing, drinking, fighting..… we'll have a great time."

Not wanting to be unfriendly the new rancher lowers the rifle and asks, "How should I dress?"

"Blimey, mate, it don't matter," replied the neighbour, "There’s only gonna be the two of us."

Obama jokes-Smart daughters

“Barack Obama’s daughters are very smart. They told him they will take the same responsibility for the dog that he is taking for the economy. That way, if the dog leaves a mess in the White House, it’ll be cleaned up by future generations.”
–Jay Leno

One line jokes-Meetings

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

Really funny jokes-Ski Season Training

Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list of Exercises to get you prepared:

1. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

2. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.

3. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.

4. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.

5. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.

6. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.

7. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

8. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

9. Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.

10. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.

11. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

12. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

13. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.

14. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.

15. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

16. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing!

Hilarious jokes-Raising rabbits

The French will eat almost anything. A young cook, Jean Luc, decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city.

Jean Luc searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found.

Finally, an old priest, Father Pierre, at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. Jean Luc successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them.

One restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. Jean Luc replied with a smile, 'I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have ... a hutch back of Notre Dame.'

Short funny jokes-I'm beside myself

People who say, "I'm beside myself," are often mistaken; with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

Really funny jokes-The ticket inspector

A few years ago, I decided to visit my sister who was living in France. I assumed that most French would speak English. I found that many people spoke only their own language and this included the ticket inspector on the train. He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making several expansive gestures. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American tourist, also on the train, leaned forward and asked if I spoke French.

"No," I admitted.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

One line jokes-Roll on Deodorant

You are so bald that when you wear a turtleneck you look like a Roll on Deodorant.

Good jokes-Peg Leg Baldy

A bald man with a peg leg gets invited to a costume party. Being shy and self-conscious about his appearance, he goes to the best costume shop in town. When he gets there, he tells the shop owner his situation and that he would rather cover his head and leg with a costume instead instead of exploiting his apparent problems.

So, the shop owner comes back with a lifeguard costume. The man says, "No, no. That will show off my peg leg. I can't hide it with that. Try again."

So the shop owner leaves and comes back with a monk costume And again the man says, "No, no. I can't wear that. It will make people notice my head."

Obviously pissed off, the shop owner leaves and comes back with a five-pound bag of caramels, gives it to the man and says, "Here. Just take this."

Confused, the man says, "What am I supposed to do with a bag of caramels?"

Smiling, the shop owner says, "Take home this bag of caramels, melt them, pour it all over your body, stick that peg leg up your arse and tell everyone you're a caramel apple."

Really funny jokes-No horse riding experience

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears incomplete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace, Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse round the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horse's neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups. As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!! Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse!

Hilarious jokes-Gas

I went into the Shell gas station this morning and asked for five dollars worth of gas. The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

Funny jokes-Yoga treatment

A boy had a bad habit of smoking.

His parents sent him to yoga classes for treatment

Now...

He can smoke with his feet too!

Really funny jokes-Who's on First?

Here is a transcript of the famous 'who's on first' dialogue between Lou Costello and Bud Abbott.


LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?

BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --

LOU: You know the fellows' names?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.

BUD: Yes

LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first base.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?

BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.

LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?

BUD: That's the man's name!

LOU: That's who's name?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The guy on first.

BUD: Who.

LOU: The first baseman.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?

BUD: Certainly.

LOU: Then who's playing first?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.

LOU: Who is?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So who gets it?

BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

LOU: Who's wife?

BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.

LOU: Who does?

BUD: Absolutely.

LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.

BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.

BUD: Well, don't change the players around.

LOU: I'm not changing nobody.

BUD: Now, take it easy.

LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.

LOU: How could I get on third base?

BUD: You mentioned his name.

LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

BUD: No, Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?

BUD: Well what do you want me to do?

LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: He's on third.

LOU: There I go back on third again.

BUD: Well, I can't change their names.

LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.

BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.

LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.

BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who's on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD: THIRD BASE!

LOU: You got an outfield?

BUD: Oh, sure.

LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?

BUD: Oh, absolutely.

LOU: The left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.

BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.

BUD: Who's playing first.

LOU: Stay out of the infield!

BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.

LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?

BUD: What is on second.

LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

BUD: Who is on first.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.

LOU: And the left fielder's name?

BUD: Why.

LOU: Because.

BUD: Oh he's Center Field.

LOU: (whimpers) Center field.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.

BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: You don't want to tell me today?

BUD: I'm tell you, man.

LOU: Then go ahead.

BUD: Tomorrow.

LOU: What time?

BUD: What time what?

LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --

LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"

BUD: Then why come up here and ask?

LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

BUD: What's on second.

LOU: I don't know.

BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!

LOU: You gotta Catcher?

BUD: Yes.

LOU: The Catcher's name?

BUD: Today.

LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.

BUD: Well I can't help that.

LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.

BUD: I know that.

LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

BUD: Well I might arrange that.

LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.

LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!

BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.

LOU: is to throw it to first base.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: Now who's got it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Who has it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: Now you've got it.

LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: O.K.

BUD: All right.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.

LOU: That's what I said.

BUD: You did not.

LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Yes.

LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--

LOU: Then who gets it?

BUD: Naturally.

LOU: That's what I'm saying.

BUD: You're not saying that.

LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.

BUD: You throw it to Who!

LOU: Naturally.

BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.

LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!

BUD: Now don't get excited.

LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--

BUD: Then Who gets it.

LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!

BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.

LOU: Hrmmph.

BUD: Hrmmph.

LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.

BUD: Uh-huh.

LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.

BUD: Yeah. It could be.

LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.

BUD: What did you say.

LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."

BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!

LOU: ABBOTT!

Hilarious jokes-Horse race

George said to Fred, 'I put $20 on a horse last week and he came in at twenty five to one.',

'Wow! you must be loaded', said Fred.

'Not really' said George, 'the rest of the field came in at twelve thirty.'

Clean jokes-Sumo wrestler

Three men, an Scot, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The Scot jumped off and shouted ''God save Scotland !''

The English man jumped off and shouted ''God Save England!''

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ''God save the person who I land on!''

Really funny jokes-No fish under ice

This happened to Linda Strauss when she decided to go ice fishing. She did a lot of research on the subject, and finally, after getting all the essential equipment together, she made her way out onto the ice. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Frighteningly, from up above, a voice boomed, "There are no fish under the ice." Startled, Linda Strauss moved farther down the ice, poured herself a large coffee, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "There are no fish under the ice." Linda Strauss , now became very concerned so she moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and began again to cut her ice-hole.

The voice rang out once more, "There are no fish under the ice."Linda Strauss, stopped, looked upwards and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Ice-Rink Manager."

Hilarious jokes-Bridal

Rick, a young jockey and his stable lass girlfriend decided to get married. Everything is planned and the couple intend to honeymoon in Italy for a week. The marriage goes without a hitch and the couple set off on their honeymoon. While checking in the lady behind the desk asks
'We have two suites available for you, would you like the bridal?' '

'No thanks' says the jockey 'I'll just hold her ears till she gets the hang of it!'

SMS jokes-Serve

Betty: Tell me what can you serve but never savour?

Ron: A tennis ball!

Really funny jokes-How's your job?

Some short office jokes to entertain you......

Laurel: How's your job at the watch company?
Hardy: Only time will tell.

Tom: How's your job at the banana company?
Jerry: I keep slipping up.

Santa: How's your job on the new highway?
Banta: I'm so busy I don't know which way to turn.

Turner: How's your job at the travel agency?
Hooch: I'm going nowhere.

Beavis: How's your job at the swivel chair company?
Butthead: It makes my head spin!

Calvin: How's your job at the lemon juice company?
Hobbes: I've had bitter jobs.

Garfield: How's your job at the pie company?
Odie: It didn't pan out.

Laurel: How's your job at the balloon factory?
Hardy: We can't keep up with inflation.

Tom: How's your job at the crystal ball company?
Jerry: I'm making a fortune.

Santa: How's your job at the history book company?
Banta: There's no future in it.

Turner: How's your job at the clock company?
Hooch: I'm having second thoughts about it.

Beavis: How's your job on the farm?
Butthead: Problems keep cropping up.

Calvin: How's your job at the sewing shop?
Hobbes: Hanging on by a thread.

Garfield: How's your job at the eye glasses clinic?
Odie: I have clear job objectives.

Short funny jokes-Hit by lightning

Tom : I witnessed a live band play their music in a thunderstorm, and guess who got  hit by the lightning?

Jerry : The conductor.

Really funny jokes-Deal with Bank

Martin had a drink too many at the pub and had also run out of money. But that did not stop him from ordering for more. So he said to the bartender, "C'mon Dan, give me a few more drinks. I'll pay you next week, I promise."


"Look," said Dan the bartender pointing out the window. "Can you see that building across the road?"

"Yes, I do. What about it?" said Martin.

"Well, that is the National Bank, and I had a deal with them" said Dan.

"What kind of deal?" Martin blurted.

"The pact was that they'll not sell booze, and I will not lend money." replied Dan.

Animal jokes-Inside

Tom : Why do mommy kangaroos hate rainy days?

Jerry : Because then the kids have to play inside.

One line jokes-So bald

A co-actor taunted Vin Diesel by saying: 
You are so bald, I can see what you're thinking.

Really funny jokes-Unused textbook for sale

In my college, posters offering used textbooks for sale are pasted on the college notice board at the beginning of each trimester.

One of them read: "Introduction to Marketing, $12, never used."
The card was signed, "Seller in hurry."

The next day a note had been added: "Fair price. Are you sure it's never been used?" Signed, "Prospective buyer."

Below in a different hand was: "Positive!" Signed, "Professor who graded his exam."

Clean jokes-City boy

Justin, a city kid went on his first camping trip with the scouts. He was eating his lunch under the shade of a tree when an old man came along.

'It smells like rain,' the old man said to the boy.

Justin replied, 'I was told it was lemonade.'