In retrospect

On a Saturday evening, I was watching a film with harsh organ music on the TV when I screamed, "Nooo! Do not enter that church, you stupid man!"

My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Video of our marriage!"

Hot new doc

Dirty Harry went to a new doctor, only to find that the new doc was a good looking blonde female. He gaped at her and then felt embarrassed.

 

The lady doctor said, "There's nothing to worry, you are with a professional. I have seen it all before, just tell me your problem and I will check you up."

 

Dirty Harry thought quickly and said, "My missus thinks that my rod tastes funny."

Short funny jokes-Tossing

As Katy walked on the sideway, she tossed a bunch of keys up into the air and caught them as they came down. She did it again and again, but after a few tosses, she could not catch the keys and they fell into the gutter next to the sidewalk.

 

People who witnessed this felt bad for her until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

Selfless beings

Men are selfless beings.

Most Women would not not like to help unknown Men but Men are more than willng to help unknown Women!

Short funny jokes-Good old times

Overheard in a coffee shop:

In the good old times, people used to remove their hats to show respect.
Look at today's generation. They remove their earphones to give respect.

A matter of seconds

Danny quizzes his friend Sandy, "Tell me, what similarities do you find in a burnt toast and your pregnant girlfriend?

 

Sandy answers, "This one's easy. In both cases, you wonder why you did not withdraw couple of seconds earlier!"

Very fat

Mrs. Bubba to Mr. Bubba : You have become very fat.

Mr. Bubba : You have also become very fat.

Mrs. Bubba : But I am going to be a mother!

Mr. Bubba: So what? Even I am going to be a father!!

What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said,"The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"

Milk and eggs

Little Johnny: A cow gives milk and a hen lays eggs. Tell me who can give both?

Little Tommy: Can't think of anyone.

Little Johnny: The grocery store owner, silly!

Short funny jokes-Rebirth

Patrick, the pervert, is praying hard, "Jesus, if there really is such a thing as rebirth, then I would like to return as a women's bicycle seat."

A score above 100%

Dr. Jones had served many years as an Obstetrician/gynecologist, but he felt he had reached a saturation point. His mind was no longer in his job. He wanted to do something else for the rest of his life. Dr. Jones had a fascination for mechanical things and remembered he enjoyed automotive training in school and, therefore decided to go in for a career change and to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled at an automotive school.

He completed the course and was required to appear for the final exams. The physical exam consisted of taking a car engine apart and then putting it back together. Dr. Jones completed his project and was amazed to receive a grade of 125%. Dr. Jones asked the examiner how could he score a 125%.

"Well," answered the examiner, "I granted you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together and another 25% for doing everything through the muffler"!

Funny jokes-Use of money

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity "Why the hell did you do that?" yells Kurt. "You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"

Desmond replies, "What...and we weren't?"

Angry boy

The angry boy tells the girl after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!"

The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get pregnant.

Really funny jokes-Getting really old

My grandpa said to me, "I guess I am getting really old after all."

I asked, "What happened'?

Grandpa grumbled, "I went to Kaka's antique auction and four people bid on me!"

An amorous life

Sid left the bar and was on the way home, filthy and smelling like a pig.

He managed to board a bus and slumped next to a nun. Sid was quite a sight - his clothes were dirty and stained with lipstick marks, and every now and then, he took a swig of rum from a hip flask. He opened a magazine and began reading. Then he asked the nun, "Sister, what causes high blood pressure?"

The nun replied sarcastically, "It's the result of leading an amorous life, drinking too much rum, lack of discipline, and disregard for your fellow man."

"Oh my God!" muttered Sid, returning to his magazine.

The nun was felling a little guilty for her outburst and said, "Look, I am sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you. How long have you been suffering from high blood pressure?"

"I don't, Father. But I was just reading here that the Dalai Lama does.

Funny reply

Tom is flirting with Gina. Tom says, "Guess what? They made changes in the alphabets? They put U and I together."

Gina says with a smirk, "Tell me Tom, how many times did you fail in Nursery class?"

Bubba's mistake

Bubba used to be a chemist.
He left for his heavenly abode last week.

How?
Well, he made a blunder. He thought that H2O was H2SO4.

Heart

My family doctor, Dr. Desai is an orthopedic surgeon by profession.
He calls the heart - a soft tissue organ for pumping cefuroxime around the body.

Bubba's password dilemma

Bubba calls up Tech support as he is facing problems with his computer.

Tech support: Are you sure your password is correct?
Bubba: Of course. I saw my boss do it.

Tech support: Can you tell me your password?
Bubba: Seven stars.

Funny jokes-Ear to the wall

John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening.

The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything."

John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for many months now!"

Hilarious jokes-The resume

Daisy, a resident nurse at the City hospital, was not satisfied with her job, so she resigned. She was confident that she would easily find another job due to the high demand for nurses in her locality.

She sent e-mails with cover letters to several potential employers and attached her resume to each one. A couple of weeks later, Daisy was disappointed as she had not received a single invitation for an interview.

Finally she received a mail from a prospective employer which explained the reason she hadn't heard from anyone else.

It read: "Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetarian burritos recipe."

Long and hard

Its long. Its hard. Its something a Bengali guy gives to his bride on their wedding night. WHAT is it?

A last name.

New secretary

Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.

Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"

Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."

Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"

Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."

Job satisfaction

Q. What do you do for better job satisfaction?

A. Do only so much work that you feel you are paid more than you deserve!

Set a good example

Rohan who was in high school asked his pretty history teacher, Sara, out on a date. She agreed and they went to a nice restaurant.

Rohan offered her beer but Sara refused saying, "I am a teacher and I am expected to set a good example for my students. What do I say to my students if they learn that I drink?"

Rohan offered her a cigarette but Sara refused again saying, "What am I supposed to say to my students when they learn that I smoke?"

On their way back, they passed by a motel, and Rohan said to her, "What about going into that motel and having a good time?"

Sara agreed immediately.

Rohan said, "so what will you tell your students when they learn about this?"

The history teacher replied, "Something that I always tell them. You don't need to drink or smoke if you wanna have a good time!" 

Funny jokes-Strange request

Sammy went to a carpenter and said, "I need a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long. You think you can make it?"

"Well..." mused the carpenter. "I can do it....but I wonder what would you want a box like that for?"

"It is like this," said Sammy, "my friend moved to a new neighborhood and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose."

The other woman

During the proceedings of a court case, the lawyer asked the woman in the witness stand, "Ms. Maira, the defendant's wife has identified you as the 'other woman' in her husband's life. Do you admit that you went to the Crescent hotel with Mr. Jones?"

"Ah, yes," acknowledged Maira with a sob, "but I couldn't help it."

The lawyer asked, "Why couldn't you help it?"

Maira said, "Mr. Jones deceived me."

The lawyer asked, "Be specific. What do you mean?"

"Well, when we signed in," she cried, "he told the hotel clerk I was his wife."

With all my love

A jeweler was approached by his regular client, Mrs. Havers with a strange request.

Mrs. Havers, who was divorced, asked the jeweler to make two earrings from her inscribed wedding band - while one earring read 'with all', the other one read, 'my love.'

The jeweler was curious and asked her why she wanted it like that.

Mrs. Havers replied, "Its only to remember that the next time someone says that to me, I should let it go in one ear and out the other."