Poor memory

Lisa asked her husband Jack, "Do you know who scored the maximum goals in the 1990 Football World cup?"

Jack replied, "Yes, it was Salvatore Schillaci of Italy.6 goals.Why did you ask?"

Lisa says, "And you didn't remember our marriage anniversary was yesterday!!!"

Later, Jack says to his friends at the bar, "I couldn't even tell her I suffer from a poor memory!"

Black sheep

Nixon, a social worker volunteers to go deep into one of Africa's under-developed north-east regions to live with a tribe there and educate them. He spends many years with them and teaches them to read, write and helps them inculcate socially acceptable behavior.

Nixon stressed on them to avoid extra marital relationships, or experimenting outside marriage.

One fine day, a white child is born to the wife of one of the tribesmen. The entire village is shocked by this. The Chief summons Nixon and says to him, All this time that you have been here, you have taught us not to be promiscuous, to be faithful to our spouses, and yet we find a black woman giving birth to a white child. No other white man than yourself has even come to this village. It is obvious that you are responsible."

Nixon tried to calm down the chief and said, "My dear fellow, you are misunderstanding the situation. What you have witnessed here is an act of nature. Its a phenomenon that we call an albino. Look around yourself, amongst the white sheep, you will find a black one. In the jungles, you will find a white tiger, there are even albino crocodiles. Phenomenons like these occur once in a while."

The chief thinks about this for a moment and then says, "I have a proposal. You keep quiet about the black sheer and I will keep quiet about the white child."

About time!

Old Mr. McPherson felt the need to be with a woman again. His wife had died 10 years back and he would feel very lonely at times. So he decides to have a good time before he dies of old age. He gets dressed in his best jacket and heads to the town bar. He finds a pretty young thing whom he wines and dines. They end up at her place and have an action-packed night.

After 10 days, he finds a discharge from his manhood. He rushes to the doctor to find out what it is. The doc examines him and asks him about any adventures that he had in the past couple of weeks. Old McPherson tells the doc about his night out.

The doc asks him, "Do you remember her name?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

The doc then asked, "Do you remember where she lives?"

"Yup" replies old McPherson.

"Okay then", said the doc, "My advice is...run back to her...I have reason to believe you are about to come."

Flute player's diagnosis

Harry, the flute player went to a doc who told him, "You have AIDS. You have only six more months to live."
 

The flute player said "And what am I going to live on for an entire six months?"

A different kind of gig

Rex, a saxophone player was frustrated because he was not getting any work. He called his agent who told him that there were no shows that he could help him with, however, he could get him a gig catching tigers to sterilize them.

Rex was upset and asked his agent what had it got to do with his musical talents. The agent told Rex that they paid 200 bucks per tiger caught.

Rex accepts the offer out of desperation. He goes to the jungle with his saxophone. He sees a tiger moving towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he starts playing his saxophone. The tiger starts getting sleepy and dozes off. He puts the tiger in a bag and hauls it into the pick up truck.

He finds another tiger and again starts playing a ballad on his instrument. The tiger falls asleep and Rex puts it in the truck. He does this all day and secures 49 tigers. He is just about to call it a day when he sees another tiger. He starts playing his instrument again but sees that the tiger continues to advance towards him. Rex plays faster but the tiger starts running towards him. He plays faster but the tiger is almost on top of him and kills him.

One of the tiger on the pick up truck says to another, "I was sure when he gets to our deaf brother, the gig would be over."

Blindfolded

Father Jeremy decided to drop in at the home of one of his church regulars on Saturday night. As he approached the house, he heard loud music. When he rang the doorbell, it was answered by the church goer. Behind him, he saw a big group of guys not wearing any clothes. There were blindfolded girls moving from one guy to another, feeling each guy's manhood and trying to figure out who it was.

Father Jeremy, seeing all this said, "I should leave, I don't think I belong here."

The owner of the house said, "You must be kidding father. Your name has been called 4 times already!"

Slippery

Priest James Asher was upset. There were so may people who had been confessing that they were unfaithful to their spouses, partners etc. He was tired of hearing it time and again. He would be turning 60 this May and he wanted to root out the word "unfaithful" from his life. He spread the word that he had had enough of the word "unfaithful" and he did not want to hear it again. Anybody who went to James Asher's confessional would now have to use the word "slipped". So if you have been unfaithful to your wife, you would say you slipped. Gradually, people accepted it and the priest was happy with the change he made.

A couple of years later, priest James Asher retired and his place was taken by a young priest, Alex from out of town. It didn't occur to anyone to warn the young priest about the change of word in the confessional. After hearing the confessions in the first week, priest Alex went to see the municipal governor. He said to the governor, "Sir, the streets in this town need cleaning and maintenance. I hear all the time that people are slipping everywhere."

The municipal governor immediately understood the situation and what was wrong here. He just laughed out loud.

Priest Alex, puzzled by this behavior, said to the governor, "This is no laughing matter, Gov. Why, your wife told me that she slipped twice last week!"

Worried wife

Yohan felt that there was something wrong with his body. Lately, he had noticed his manhood growing a few centimeters every week. Though thrilled initially, his excitement ran down when he noticed that there was no stopping its growth. He decided it was time to visit a doctor. He met Dr. Holmes, a specialist, and explained the problem to him. After examining him, Dr. Holmes  gave his diagnosis, "Well, you have a rare condition. But do not worry, it can be corrected with surgery."

Yohan's wife, Lili, who was waiting outside the doc's cabin, overheard the conversation. She rushed in to ask, "Will he need support to walk?"

"Walk?" asked Dr. Holmes.

Lili asked with concern, "You are going to increase the length of his legs, right?"

Feign ignorance

Martha had arranged for a carpool for her daughter Juliet to go for her tennis classes. It was her turn on Wednesday, but her husband had the car. She felt awkward to tell the woman with whom she had the carpool arrangement, that she would not be able to take her turn. Since it had to be done, she called the woman and explained. The other woman agreed and just a few minutes before she was due to arrive, Martha's husband showed up. It was too late for her to call her carpool partner and explain that she could make it after all. So she asked her husband to park the car in the garage and close the garage door.

Martha instructed her daughter Juliet that she should feign ignorance about her father's whereabouts. Everything was set but the husband did not remember to shut the garage door. He was chatting with a friend right in front of the garage with the door open! Came along the carpool friend and took Juliet for the tennis classes.

When Juliet returned, Martha asked her if the carpool friend had noticed.

"She did", replied Juliet. "She asked me which one of the two men in front of the garage was my father. I told her I have no idea"

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

Balloon ride

Dean was up in an air balloon and soon lost his bearings. He had no idea where he was and what direction he should take. He looked down and saw a vast field. Dean reduced altitude of the balloon and saw a man watering plants. He shouted to the man: “Hi there.”

The man reciprocated: “Hi.”

Dean: “Pardon me, I have lost my way, don’t know where I am. I promised my girl I would meet her an hour ago and I don’t know which way to go. Can you guide me?”

The man: “You are twenty five feet from the ground hanging in a balloon. You are forty five degrees latitude or thereabouts and sixty degrees longitude.

Dean said: “You are an accountant.”

The man: “So I am. How did you guess?”

Dean: “Whatever you told me may be correct. But I have no notion what to make of it. The information you gave me is of no use. I am where I was, confused and lost.”

The man: “You are in management.”

Dean: “Sure. What made you say so?”

The man: “See you don’t know where you are or where to go.  You promised your girl friend and you have no idea how to keep it. You expect people working under you to find solutions to your problems or else you blame them. In our case you are in the same position before you saw me but you have made it seem like my fault.”

Last words

Dan died and Marie’s heart was broken. She could not be consoled. The regular pastor was not available and so they found one from the neighboring area. The new one asked Marie some questions so that he could say something nice about Dan in his sermon. Finally he asked: “What did Dan say just before he died? I mean, what were his last words?”

Marie was thoughtful, then said: “Marie, don’t pull the trigger.”

The hunt

Dean and Martin hired a small plane to get into deep forest to hunt deer. They spent the whole afternoon and killed four big deer. They then called for the pilot to pick them up. When the plane came, they started to load their rifles and other equipments along with the four hunts. At this, the pilot objected saying the plane could take load of only two kills.

Dean argued that the previous year too their pilot had allowed four kills and it was the same model plane. The pilot gave in reluctantly against his better judgment.

They boarded the plane with their load. But after gaining height the plane crashed a little distance away. Getting out of the plane, Dean asked: “Mart, any idea where we are?”

Martin looked around and said: “Ummh.... I think we are a little south to where we crashed last year.”

Aggressive bull

Farmer Joe's latest addition to his farm was a young cow. The moment the cow entered the farm gate, Joe's big bull spotted her and started stomping it's feet. It became aggressive and started kicking and jumping.

Farmer Joe feared the bull would knock her up. He wanted the cow to feel at home first before letting her out with the bull. So he consulted the local vet who advised Joe to tie a big curtain around the cow's rump to keep the bull away.

Joe did just that and went to sleep. The next morning, he went to check on the cow but she was nowhere to be seen. Joe followed the trail of her steps to a distance and noticed a young boy sitting near a pond. Farmer Joe asked the young boy if he had seen a cow with a curtain tied around her rump.

The young lad replied, "Don't know that, sir, but I saw one run by with a handkerchief sticking out of her behind!"

Blind

The Sunday church was full, and everyone was singing spiritual songs. The rhythm was building up into a frenzy. A pretty young woman, leaning ahead in the balcony, lost her balance in her enthusiasm and fell over the railing.

As she was falling, the hem of her dress got caught in the chandelier. Though it arrested her fall, her dress was pulled over her waist for a nice view available to everyone below.

The preacher shouted, "Any man who looks up shall turn blind!"

Old man Jason whispered into his friend's ears, "I think I will take that chance. My right eye isn't worth much anyway!"

White-haired woman

My father was  out for his morning jog, when he noticed an old white-haired woman seated on a bench and crying uncontrollably. My father stopped to check what was wrong and if he could do anything to help her.

Still sobbing, she said to Dad, "I have a husband at home who I am married to since the last 48 years. He makes love to me in the morning. For breakfast, he makes poached eggs, toast, grilled tomatoes, fried mushrooms and fresh coffee for me very morning."

My father asked, "So why are you weeping?"

The white-haired woman said, "For lunch, he prepares broccoli soup, salad, steak and pie. Then he gives pleasure to me in bed all afternoon."

My father, now thoroughly confused, asked, "So why is it that you are upset?"

The old woman went on, "He makes roasted beef for dinner, serves it to me with wine and dessert. Then he makes me feel like a woman for 2 hours in the night."

My father, impatient by now, asked again, "So why the tears?"

The old woman answered, "I can't recollect where I live!"

Lottery money

China's premier TV channel was interviewing a farmer called Chang who had just won a big lottery. The channel representative said to Chang, "Congrats on wining RMB 1 million. How do you plan to spend the money?"

Chang replies, "I will just continue to be a farmer until all the lottery money is gone."

Wonders of a new born

Cyndy had just delivered a baby and was adjusting to the life of a woman who had recently become a mother.

One night, after she and her husband Peter had just put the baby to sleep, she found Peter stand near the baby's cradle looking at the child. Cyndy was standing at the door, observed Peter's face looking down at the new born. His face was a mix of emotions - uncertainty, disbelief, pleasure, happiness, admiration.

Cyndy was deeply touched to see such a display of emotions on Peter's face. She went up to him and putting her arms around his shoulder, asked, "What are you thinking honey?"

Peter replied, "It's incredible, It's hard to believe someone sold the cradle to us for only $47!!"

In the garden

Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
 

When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"

Stella replied, "In the garden."

Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"

Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"

Two musicians

Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.

When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"

Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"

A drink too many

This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.

I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
 

An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."

The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"

Who lost weight?

Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."

John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."

Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."

No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Gambling

My friend Kevin got philosophical one day and was telling me how Life is a gamble. The word 'gamble' sparked off a series of quotes and thoughts. Then the topic steered to men gambling more than women.

Kevin had an explanation for women gambling less than men. He said, "Marriage gratifies their natural instinct for gambling!"

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."

No sleep

Monty Green, the enterprising partner of Monty & Dexter, a clothing company, was going through a bad phase. Caught at the wrong end of the recession, business had reached rock-bottom and there were debts to pay. The stress was dreadful and Monty Green was losing sleep over it. Though he would come home tired and worn out every day, he found it difficult to get sleep. As the days went by, getting sleep became more and more challenging.

Monty decided he had to do something about his sleep, or rather the lack of it. He made up his mind to try different remedies to get some sleep. He tried listening to soothing music and some instrumental music on the saxophone. It didn't work.

He tried taking hot shower just before bedtime but it didn't work either.

He tried exercising but that too did not work.

He tried sleeping pills but no luck.

He met his old friend Donald and told him about his problem. He asked Donald for suggestions. Donald asked him to try the oldest remedy that ever was - to count sheep jumping over a fence.

Monty said to himself, "Why didn't I think of it before. Surely, this is the most trusted remedy for lack of sleep.Need to try it out tonight."

The next morning, Monty called his friend Donald and asked if he could meet him.

When Donald arrived, he saw Monty in the same state as he had seen before. Donald commented, "Obviously it didn't work."

Monty replied, "It didn't. I started counting sheep immediately after lying down on the bed. Didn't get any sleep. But boy, did I count sheep. I counted 4500 without getting tired. Had to try something else. So I started shearing 'em. Didn't help - I was still wide awake. Not the one to give up, I dyed the wool that I had sheared. No sleep. I spun it. No sleep. I made smart jackets out of 'em. Do you have any idea how tiring this kind of work can get. I started getting sleepy. Then it all went wrong!"

Donald asked, "What went wrong??"

Monty replied, "I was awake for the rest of the night trying to figure out where to get four thousand five hundred silk linings from!"

Sunday at the beach

Santa and Banta are enjoying their Sunday at the beach.

Santa complains to Banta, "I am not having a good time. The girls are not noticing me."

Banta says, "I have a solution. Why don't you put a Banana in your swim shorts. It would help."

So Santa does what he is told and complains to Banta again after some time."I did what you asked me to do but it's no good."

Banta chuckled and said, "Santa, you are supposed to put it in the front!"

Bruno's dilemma

Bruno loves mountain climbing, so off he goes scaling heights in the Himalayas. He is almost at the peak of the mountain, when his slips and plunges down. He falls thirty feet, when he grabs on to a bush that is protruding out of a rock.

Bruno looks shown and shudders when he sees the depth. It looks to him that death is imminent. His hands begin to slip and he starts losing his grip on the bush.

In desperation, Bruno cries out loud, "Is anyone up there who can help me?"

Just then, a voice booms from the skies, "Bruno, I am God. Have faith in me. Let go of that bush.I will protect you."

Bruno looks down at the depth again, and then looks up and says, "Is anyone else up there?"

Refrain

Sardar Santa Singh decides to give up all worldly things for a period of 6 months. He took an oath to refrain from all worldly desires to appease the Gods so that his dream of watching his country win the Cricket World cup comes true.

He tells his wife about the decision and that he would also have to refrain from all nocturnal activities. His wife Jeeto is not happy with the idea but decides to support him nevertheless as it is for a good cause.

One week goes by, then the second, and Sardar Santa Singh finds it more and more difficult to control himself. To help him, Jeeto wears the most uglly nightdresses and does not brush before going to bed. three to four months go by. The last 2 months are the most difficult for Santa, so Jeeto locks him out of the bedroom every night and he is forced to sleep on the sofa.

Finally, D-Day arrives and there were loud knocks on Jeeto's bedroom door.

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess who is this?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know who it is."

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I need?"

Jeeto replies, "I very well know what you need!"

Sardar Santa Singh asks, "Guess what I am pounding the door with?"

Is she better?

Neil was engaged to Betty. One day, he dropped by to see her and said, "I am sorry, darling but I have to call off our engagement. I have to marry another girl."

Betty became hysterical and cried, "Why Niel? Why do you wish to marry another girl? Is she better looking than me?"

"No", answered Niel. "She is not."

Betty's next question was, "Does she cook better than me?"

"No", answered Niel, "Her best doesn't even come close to yours."

Betty asked, "Does she buy you things like I do?"

"No", answered Niel, "She does not work, and has no bank balance."

Betty, completely frustrated by now, asked, "Then what can she do that I cannot do?"

Niel, avoiding eye contact, answered, "She can go to court for child support."

Just an apple

Monty Moolik was the Chairman of an organization that promoted vegetarian food. For years, he had one wish - to experience the taste of pork. when the feeling was getting a little out of hand, he decided to go on a vacation all by himself and experiment. So he headed for a beach resort away from town, and found a nice restaurant to have his dinner. He ordered a roasted pig, and waited for the experience of a life time. The wait was making him a little edgy, when he heard his name being called from behind. When he turned to see who was calling out his name, he was flabbergasted to see a member of the Veg society walking towards him. At the same time, the waiter came along with a big platter, carrying a full roasted pig and an apple in it's mouth.

Monty thought fast and finally said to his fellow member, "Look at this! I just order an apple and look what it came in!!"