Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Art gallery

Sculptor Jehangir Babar stood in the art gallery, admiring 7 of his sculptures that were on display.  He approached Jeff, the guy who managed the gallery and asked, "Has anyone shown interest in buying the sculptures?"

Jeff replied, "I have some positive and some negative news. There has been a positive response to the sculptures. There is this gent who has shown keen interest in your work. In fact, he wanted to know if the value of your art will appreciate after your death. I replied in the affirmative and he agreed to buy all the 7 sculptures. "

"That's great news," said Jehangir. "What's the bad news?"

Jeff replied, "The gent I was mentioning is your doc."

Monday, September 29, 2014

What goes first

Mrs. Torres asked her students in class, "When a person dies, which part of the human body does God first call for?" She added, "The most creative answers will get a prize."

Suzie raised her hand. When the teacher gave her nod, Suzie said, "The brain. One needs a mind to have faith in God."

"Good answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Can anyone else answer the question?"

Penny raised her hand and answered, "It is the heart that goes first. Its from the heart that one loves God."

"Brilliant answer", said Mrs. Torres. "Who else?"

Timmy raised his hand and said, "The legs!"

Mrs. Torres asked, "Why the legs?"

Timmy answered, "My parents were not at home when my sister's boyfriend came home. My sis had her legs up in the air and she said, "My God, I'm coming!"

Sunday, September 28, 2014

Little boys and girls

It was Tuesday at St. Mary, a small school in the countryside. The moral science teacher, Mrs. Bamonte, said to a naughty boy called Timmy, "There is not one day that I don't get complaints of you. You have to stop your pranks, Timmy. Do you know where little boys and girls go when they play pranks?"

Timmy was fast to reply, "I know. They go to the barn."

Saturday, September 27, 2014

The same thing

It was a full moon night and there was romance in the air. Henry and Joanna were involved in passionate adventures in his bedroom, when Henry asked her, "Can I ask you something? Am I the first one?"

Joanna replied with matter-of-fact expression, "Yes, you are the first one. And the most incredible one. I don't understand why all you guys always want to know the same thing!"

Friday, September 26, 2014

Honeymooners

Joe was in Honolulu for his honeymoon. He had rented a flat for 2 weeks as he wanted to avoid a hotel. After the first night, Joe woke after early next morning, prepared a breakfast of scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. He brought the breakfast for his wife Clara to enjoy it in bed.

Clara was thrilled.

Joe said to her, "Hope you have carefully observed what I did."

Clara replied, "Yes of course. Everything that you did."

Joe said, "That's good. This is how I want you to serve me from tomorrow."

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Being polite

As the passenger train slowly started moving, Ed waving goodbye to his friend Morris, said from the open window, "I thoroughly enjoyed my visit to your place. Thank you for taking good care of me. And tell your wife she is really good in bed."

A co-passenger, sitting next to him was shocked and said to Ed, "I couldn't help but overhear what you said. How can you tell a man that his wife is good in bed?"

Ed replied, "Well she is not. I was only trying to be polite, do you mind?"

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Surviving a hurricane

When Hurricane Laila hit the Indian sea shore, a luxury boat owned by Indian billionaire Gupta got capsized near the Andaman and Nicobar islands. Bachelor Gupta, who was holidaying with his Man Friday, Prasad, survived the hurricane and swam to a deserted island. The Man Friday, Prasad also swam with Gupta to safety. Prasad was nervous and restless all the time while Gupta was cool as a cucumber. When Prasad could take it no more, he said to Gupta, "Do you realize that we could both die on this island without anybody ever knowing what happened to us. And yet I see you so relaxed. Are you not afraid to die?"

Gupta asked him to calm down and said, "I had donated 5 millions to the Indian Cancer society 4 years back. 3 Million went to the Sports Association of India couple of years back. Another four million went to the ruling political party during elections last year. They all are in need of funds again and I am sure one of them is going to find me!"

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

Monday, September 22, 2014

The problem with Albert Jackson

A pompous and self-righteous bachelor called Albert Jackson who was a regular irritant to his family and friends, went to see a doctor. He said to Dr. Wells, "Hey doc, I am feeling miserable. I want you to examine me and give me a diagnosis of the problem."

Dr. Wells cleared his throat and asked, "I will ask some quick questions. Are you hooked on to alcohol?"

Albert replied, "No. Never. Not even in my dreams."

Dr. Wells asked, "Do you smoke?"

Albert replied, "No. I understand the perils of smoking. Never even touched a cigarette."

Dr. Wells asked, "How is your sex life? Do you indulge too much?"

Albert replied, "It's a complete no-no. It is a sin. I completely refrain."

Dr. Wells stared at Albert for a long time, then said, "Do you get headaches?"

Albert replied quickly, "Yes, yes, there is always pain in my head."

Dr. Wells sighed and said, "I know your problem. Your halo is gripping your head too tight."

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Baby pumpkin

A mama pumpkin and a baby pumpkin were on the way to the beach. While they were crossing the street, the baby pumpkin was run over by a speeding car. Mama pumpkin caught a cab and rushed baby pumpkin to the nearest hospital.Baby pumpkin was taken to the operation room and the doctors worked on him for several hours. After what seemed like eternity, Mama pumpkin saw a doctor come out of the operation room.

The doctor said, "The good news is that your baby has survived the operation and will live. But he is going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life".

Saturday, September 20, 2014

The cardboard

Jimmy and Desmond were not only best of friends, but they also divorced their wives at about the same time. They swore they will not look at another woman again for the rest of their lives. To lead a life of abstinence, they decided to move to the Himalaya mountains. hey had both saved enough money, so they set off on their journey. At the base of the mountain, they went to a store and asked the store-keeper to pack enough supplies to last them for 6 to 7 months. The store-keeper put together toiletries, stationary, confectionary and other essential supplies. He added a cardboard with a hole in it. The hole was lined with soft cotton.

Desmond asked the store-keeper, "What is this cardboard for?"

The store-keeper replied, "Where you are headed, you will not find any women. This cardboard will come in handy."

"What??", said Jimmy. "We are done with women. We do not need any distractions. We don't want the cardboard."

The store-keeper said, "Just take it. I am not charging you for it now. If you use it, pay for it when you visit me again."

"All right", said Jimmy. They collected all the supplies and headed to the mountains.

Several months went by, and one day, the store-keeper saw Desmond entering his store.

Desmond said, "I want toiletries & eatables to last me another 6 months"

The store-keeper asked, "Where is your partner?"

Desmond replied, "Jimmy? I stabbed him to death!"

"Why???" asked the shocked store-keeper.

Desmond replied, "I caught him screwing my board!"

Friday, September 19, 2014

All occupations contribute

One fine day, the English grammar teacher said to everyone in the class, "Okay kids, all of you will tell me what your parents do for a living. Raise your hands one by one and tell me your parents' occupation."

Tina said her father is a doctor.
Jack said his mother worked with the Government Department handling irrigation
Nancy said her father is an engineer.
Betty said her father is an accountant
It was Bill's turn and he said to the teacher, "My mother entertains men at night."

There was complete silence.
The teacher sent him to the principal, Mr. Jones.
When Bill returned to class, the teacher asked him if he repeated to Mr. Jones what he had told in class.

Bill replied, "Yes, i did."

So, the teacher asked, "What did Mr. Jones have to say?"

Bill replied, "He said that all sorts of jobs contribute to the nation's economy, he gave me a bar of chocolate and wanted to know my mom's number."

Thursday, September 18, 2014

The chemical solution

When Nathan came home, he asked his wife Dara, "What is Tim doing?" Tim was their 10-year old son who loved gadgets. Dara told him that Tim was in his bedroom playing with the chemistry set that they had gifted him on Christmas eve. Nathan wanted to check on his son, so he went upstairs to Tim's bedroom. As he got closer to Tim's room, he heard the sound of something being pounded on the wall. When he entered the room, he saw Tim hammering a nail into the wall.

Nathan asked his son, "What are you doing, Tim? Why are you hammering the nail into the wall? Aren't you supposed to be playing with your chemistry set?

Tim replied, "Dad, this is not a nail, its an insect. I prepared a solution from the chemicals and drowned the insect in it. The insect became hard as a nail."

Nathan pondered over it and said, "I'll make you a deal. Give me that solution and I will gift you a PlayStation."

"Deal" said Tim while handing over the solution to his father.

The next morning when Tim went down to the living room, he found a brand new X-Box of the latest version. He asked his father, "What about the PlayStation?"

Nathan replied, "The PlayStation is on the dining table. The X-Box is a gift from your Mom."

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Story of a funeral

Michelle went to the City Funeral Home to arrange for her husband Mel's funeral. She told the attendant that she wanted Mel to be dressed in a grey suit when he was buried.

The attendant asked, "Madam, don't you think it would be convenient to let him wear beige suit that he is already dressed in?"

Michelle was sure about what she wanted and told the attendant that her instructions be followed. Money was not a problem.

On the day of the funeral, Michelle finds Mel attired in a grey business suit while he rested in the coffin. She told the attendant it was perfect and asked him the cost.

The attendant replied, "To be honest, there's no extra cost. You won't believe what happened. Immediately after you left, there was another corpse that was brought in, and he had a grey suit on. His size was no different from your husband's size. The other widow didn't have a problem with a beige suit, so I simply exchanged the heads."

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Monday, September 15, 2014

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Very drunk man

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, "Is this your house?"

"Yesh!", replied the inebriated man.

The night-patrol policeman asked, "Are you sure?"

"Yessh sirr", replied the wasted man."Can you help me open the door, I'll prove it to you."

They went in and the drunkard said, "You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!"

He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs.He made his way up unsteadily. He opEned the door and declared, "See the bedd. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed - that's my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That's meee!"

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Baby ships

Tara and her 6-year-old son, Arjun, were on board the Blue Ocean, a cruise service from Bombay to Goa in India. Arjun was excited to be on the deck all day. He asked his mother, "Mom, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and bik sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

Tara, engrossed in the novel that she was reading, and unable to come up with an immediate answer, said to Arjun "Why don't you find the Captain and ask him?"

Arjun ran towards the Captain's cabin and finding him, posed his question,"Sir, if big dolphins have baby dolphins and big sharks have baby sharks, then why don't big ships have baby ships?"

The Captain was wise and asked the boy, "Did your mother send you to me with this question?"

"Yes", replied Arjun.

"Well", said the Captain, "Tell your mother that the Blue Ocean pulls out on time."

Friday, September 12, 2014

Angry sheikh

Pete, Harry and Alex were holidaying in Dubai. While shopping in a mall, they came across some beautiful girls and started flirting with them. They had no idea that

the girls were from the harem of a local sheikh who was a tycoon.

All the three men were forced into a Land Rover and taken to the sheikh's palace. When the sheikh's men who had escorted the girls to the mall, narrated what had

happened, the sheikh was mad as hell. The sheikh roared, "I own these girls. You had the audacity to flirt with my girls! You will pay for this.  You will all die in

line with your profession.

With this, the sheikh pointed towards Pete and asked, "What is your profession?"

Pete replied, "I am a carpenter."

The sheikh ordered his men to hammer down Pete's manhood.

Next was Harry and the sheikh asked him, "What do you do for a living?"

Harry replied, "I am a fire fighter"

The sheikh ordered his men to burn his manhood.

The shiekh asked Alex, "What's your line of work?"

Alex looked mighty pleased and said with a smile, "I sell lollipops!"

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Long face

The bartender could not help but notice how sad Simon was looking this evening. He asked, "Hey, why the long face? Everything okay at home?"

Simon replied, "Fought with my wife. he swore she will give me the silent treatment for a whole month."

The bartender joked, "C, mon...you should be glad about it. I mean, how many people have the good fortune of not being nagged by the missus for a month?"

Simon said, "The oath ends tonight."

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Painted seat

Dan was unemployed, so he would run errands and look after the house while his wife, Donna worked.

One way, Dan was doing all sorts of repairs in the bathroom, when he decided to paint the toilet seat. Donna came home early that day and wanted to use the washroom.Dan did not remember to warn her about the paint. The moment she sat on the seat, is was pasted to her behind. Try as she may, she could not get it off. Dan tried too but to no avail. Finally, they had no choice but to take her to a doctor.

She draped herself in a large coat to hide the seat. At the doctor's clinic, Dan lifted the coat to show the doctor what had happened and said, "I bet you have never seen something like this before."

"I have" replied the doctor, "but never in a casing."

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Problem solved

Joe Garner goes to see his doctor but is shy to share his problem. Dr. Xarsis helps him relax and then asks him to talk freely about his problem.

Joe hesitates for a moment, then says, "Err...I have trouble performing in bed. My wife is always complaining. Is there something that you can do for me?"

Dr Xarsis says to him cheerfully, "Your problems are a thing of the past, Joe. Haven't you heard about Viagra? It will put to rest all your worries and you will be performing like a tiger!"

The good doctor gives some pills to Joe whose leaves the doctor's clinic with fresh hopes.

A couple of days later, Joe has a chance meeting with Dr. Xarsis at a coffee shop. Joe whispers into the doctor's ears, "That drug is fantastic! I can't thank you enough!"

Dr. Xarsis asks him with a smile, "I am happy for you. What does your wife have to say?"

"Wife?" says Joe, "Uhh...I have not been home yet."

Monday, September 8, 2014

Saving up

Troy Hogan, at the advance age of 72, got married and the marriage was the talk of the town. More so, because his bride was only 26. They checked into a beach resort in Maldives for their honeymoon and the resort was abuzz with gossip.

Next morning, Troy walks into the resort's dining area looking ever so fresh. He ordered a big breakfast and joked with everyone. When his young bride walked into the dining hall after some time, she looked pale and tired. She ordered some tea and that's all she had. She hardly spoke to anyone.

Old Troy left  the dining room, and the waitress, not wanting to miss the opportunity asked her, "The old man looks so refreshed while you look so fatigued. Is everything all right?"

The young girl said, "This man took me for a ride. Before our wedding, he told me he had saved up for 40 years. You can't blame me for thinking it was money he meant,"

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Chinese story

Li Hong, a desperate Chinese guy decides to hire the services of a woman of the night. As soon as they are in the room, they undress and get on with it.

When done, Li Hong gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs another session with the woman.

The woman is impressed with the energy of Li Hong. When done, the Chinese guy gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates his head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, comes out from the other side, jumps into the bed and performs a third session with the woman.

This happens 3 more times. The woman can't help but wonder how this guy rejuvenates himself after such rigorous sessions. So she decides to try it out, gets down from the bed, does 5 sit-ups, runs to the window, rotates her head clockwise in circular motion, crawls under the bed, only to find 5 Chinese men.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Stronger

Tommy and Johnny were having an argument.

Tommy said, "My Dad is stronger than your Dad."

To this, Johnny argued, "Oh yeah? But my Momma is better than your Momma."

Tommy replied, "I suppose so. Even my Dad says the same thing."

Friday, September 5, 2014

A joke on musicians

At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.

The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago."What have you achieved in your life?"

The tycoon replied, "I made it big in the steel business. I didn't keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry."

The angel invited him in.

He asked the next man in line about his achievements.

It was a stock broker from New York. He said, "I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world."

"That's good" said the angel and invited him in.

The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, "I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life."

"Good Lord", said the angel. "Which instrument did you play?"

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Civilized talk

When Antonio learnt about his wife, Mary's having an extra-marital affair, he availed the services of a private detective to get proof. The private detective followed Mary and gathered enough evidence about her affair with a banker.

Antonio was convinced that he could still save his marriage if he could get the banker out of the way.

Being a man of the 21st century, he decided to handle the matter in a professional and refined manner. So he sent a mail to Mary's banker boyfriend. It read:

Sir

It has been brought to my notice that you are dating my wife.
In order to settle this matter amicably and in a civilized manner, I propose that you come and visit me at my office at 5 pm on Thursday evening.

Rgds



The banker was amused to gat a formal letter in such a case. So, he mailed the following reply:
 
Sir
 
I acknowledge receipt of your group mail. I hereby confirm my attendance at the seminar in your office lecture hall.
 
Rgds

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Dress code

Nancy was employed in the Human Resources department of a large multinational. Having graduated recently from college, her job was to impart training to employees in corporate dress code and conduct.

She was stepping into the elevator one day when a man sporting a french beard, and dressed casually in cargoes and t-shirt, entered with her.

Reminded of her responsibilities, Nancy taunted, "Dressed a little too casually for a Thursday, aren't we?"

The man with the french beard replied, "Just one of the perks of owing the company!"

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Ring Bearer

Little Neil was very excited to attend his uncle's wedding. Stepping down the aisle, he would take a step, stop, face the crowd, twist his fingers like claws, and make a growling noise.

At every step he would repeat it. He would take turns to be on the groom's side, the groom being his uncle, and do his act. And then he would go to the bride's side and repeat the clawing, growling. The crowd was amused by these dramatics and everyone started laughing.

Little Niel, however, was getting upset by all the attention & laughing and would have cried had his mother not consoled him.

When his mother asked him what he was doing, Little Niel replied, "I played the Ring Bear."

Monday, September 1, 2014

First time

Genelia went to the gynec for a check up and was told she is pregnant.

A little concerned, Genelia confided in the doc that she was going to be a mom for the first time and she did not know anything about childbirth.

The gynec, reassuring her, said, "Don't worry, it's not too different from how it started in the first place."

Genelia was visible surprised and said, "You mean 3 rounds of the park with my legs hanging out of the pick up van?"