In the garden

Bill got into an argument with his wife Stella. Stella went out fuming in rage.
 

When she returned, Bill asked her, "Where did you leave my car??"

Stella replied, "In the garden."

Bill said, "But there's noway into the garden!"

Stella gave him a sarcastic look and replied, "Now there is!"

Two musicians

Tim, a clarinet player and Jim, a flute player were playing fusion music at a club on Christmas eve. Everybody seemed to be enjoying the music and there was applause every few minutes.

When the place was to close down for the night, the club manager met the two musicians and made an offer, "Good job guys. They love you. Would you both be able to play here next Christmas eve?"

Tim and Jim take a quick glance at each other and Jim says to the manager, "No problem, we would love to...is it ok with you if we leave our instruments here?"

A drink too many

This funny incident happened right in front of my eyes.

I was in the Metro train in Washington DC when a young man, who seemed to have had a drink too many, flopped into an empty seat.
 

An old lady sitting next to him got agitated and remarked, "I can see your future.You are going to hell."

The inebriated guy jumped out of his seat, and yelled, "But I need to go to Pentagon city!"

Who lost weight?

Ever worried about his wife's excessive weight, Jim said to to his friend John, "Mary took up horse riding to lose weight. Lost 8 Kgs."

John said, "Good for her, hard work bears fruit."

Jim sad, "No, not her. The horse lost weight."

No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Gambling

My friend Kevin got philosophical one day and was telling me how Life is a gamble. The word 'gamble' sparked off a series of quotes and thoughts. Then the topic steered to men gambling more than women.

Kevin had an explanation for women gambling less than men. He said, "Marriage gratifies their natural instinct for gambling!"

A matter of trust

Doctor Duckback said to his patient, "Please lie down Lucy, I need to examine you."

Lucy said to the doctor, "All right doc, but call the nurse in."

Doctor Duckback, feeling offended, said, "Don't you trust me Lucy?"

Lucy replied, "I do, doc, but that husband of mine waiting outside, doesn't trust me."

No sleep

Monty Green, the enterprising partner of Monty & Dexter, a clothing company, was going through a bad phase. Caught at the wrong end of the recession, business had reached rock-bottom and there were debts to pay. The stress was dreadful and Monty Green was losing sleep over it. Though he would come home tired and worn out every day, he found it difficult to get sleep. As the days went by, getting sleep became more and more challenging.

Monty decided he had to do something about his sleep, or rather the lack of it. He made up his mind to try different remedies to get some sleep. He tried listening to soothing music and some instrumental music on the saxophone. It didn't work.

He tried taking hot shower just before bedtime but it didn't work either.

He tried exercising but that too did not work.

He tried sleeping pills but no luck.

He met his old friend Donald and told him about his problem. He asked Donald for suggestions. Donald asked him to try the oldest remedy that ever was - to count sheep jumping over a fence.

Monty said to himself, "Why didn't I think of it before. Surely, this is the most trusted remedy for lack of sleep.Need to try it out tonight."

The next morning, Monty called his friend Donald and asked if he could meet him.

When Donald arrived, he saw Monty in the same state as he had seen before. Donald commented, "Obviously it didn't work."

Monty replied, "It didn't. I started counting sheep immediately after lying down on the bed. Didn't get any sleep. But boy, did I count sheep. I counted 4500 without getting tired. Had to try something else. So I started shearing 'em. Didn't help - I was still wide awake. Not the one to give up, I dyed the wool that I had sheared. No sleep. I spun it. No sleep. I made smart jackets out of 'em. Do you have any idea how tiring this kind of work can get. I started getting sleepy. Then it all went wrong!"

Donald asked, "What went wrong??"

Monty replied, "I was awake for the rest of the night trying to figure out where to get four thousand five hundred silk linings from!"

Sunday at the beach

Santa and Banta are enjoying their Sunday at the beach.

Santa complains to Banta, "I am not having a good time. The girls are not noticing me."

Banta says, "I have a solution. Why don't you put a Banana in your swim shorts. It would help."

So Santa does what he is told and complains to Banta again after some time."I did what you asked me to do but it's no good."

Banta chuckled and said, "Santa, you are supposed to put it in the front!"